forallyoucare | (no subject)

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JC wasn’t sure when the voices started. They popped up here or there in his childhood, usually egging him on to do something dangerous. His mum use to say that he was playing with an imaginary friend, but the voice was never a solid thing to run down to the corner shop with or to throw sticks in the river with when the other boys in the neighborhood thought he was too weird or creepy to hang around with. The voice never stuck around either so JC couldn’t exactly blame it. And he sounded mad when he did.

After a rather detrimental and insistent period in his teenage years, culminating in one very big adventure that nearly gave his parents a heart attack when the voice demanded that he go all the way to the city for a few days without telling anyone, it disappeared for a long, long time.

But that sweet, familiar persistence came back again one afternoon where they were just leaving a coffee house after a small after-concert rally with the Twelve, or while he was showing Andrew a cat video that one of their online supporters tweeted him, or when he was by himself in the woods looking up at the sun through the sky-- He didn’t know when it started but it was back again and it was itching at his skull like sand stuck behind his eyes.

All he knew was that they needed to start reaching more people. Facebook and Twitter were fine. Tumblr worked. The new Youtube channel seemed to be doing all right but the coffee shops in small towns around their home base? The venues were just too small. They needed to travel, together. All of them.

That’s when he went to Judas with his idea. Err…the voice’s idea. “What if we rented and RV and traveled? We could book gigs everywhere!”

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"It's not a lot of pain. More like-- it's startling. It makes your skin warm and very sensitive to any other touching. A cool hand on hot skin feels pretty nice, right?" Simon's smile had returned. "Remember the part of the body he's hitting too. What's back there? Layers of fat and muscle, right? To give you a cushiony place to sit? If he were to slap your face on the bottoms of your feet with half the pressure, you'd feel a lot more pain. Some people find the rhythm of the slaps soothing. Some are aroused by it. It's personal, Petey. Everyone is different."

Someone Simon knew started to head over and the other man held up a hand.

"I'll find you in a little while, Emma," Simon said because he was with Peter now. And this was the after care to the scene they had been been mentally in. They needed this time together in solitude. "Why don't you touch some of the equipment? It will give you a better understanding."

It felt strange to be called "Petey" in this type of scenario though he wasn't certain why, but he listened intently. In a way, he supposed he could understand the idea behind it. The idea of being slapped in the face or his feet sounded far, far from attractive but... At least he didn't have the connection between the action and his parents, his parents most certainly had never struck their blessed little boy.

At the mention of touching the equipment, he looked towards the front, lips thinning, but what had he said out there? He wanted to learn. Go up there. So he nodded and flexed his fingers once before moving up towards the front of the room, towards the equipment, but didn't quite reach out to touch any of it. Was he allowed to? Not on a play-level but it wasn't his politeness level. Still, other people were up there, picking things up, so he ended up picking up one of the floggers, fingering the material. Would it really not hurt? At least it wasn't leather - that one over there looked like leather, ouch. He ended up flicking one of the lengths of velvet against the skin of his forearm, trying to see if it really hurt or not.

Peter wasn't alone for long. Simon was off to the side, watching him intently even if he did accept someone over to speak with him. His gaze rarely left Peter. Mindy popped over to his side though, more affection than she had been before as she leaned her lead down against his shoulder. "It feels nice, doesn't it? Like someone is wrapping you up in velvet? That one is my favorite."

She hefted a large, waxed paddle up and offered that to Peter next.

"This one is my Master's favorite. When he's really, really stressed out at work, he'll come home and order me to paddle him as hard as I can. It makes my arms really ache but then I don't go to the gym for arm day that week." Mindy could feel Peter's confusion focus on her and she hugged him. "You're so new to all of this! What's wrong? Having trouble separating the sex from it huh? That's most of the hang ups we get here. And that's okay! Porn pretty much dictates that BDSM is all about sadistic and masochistic sex."

Mindy put the paddle back and put her gloved hands on her hips.

"Okay. I want all of your questions. All of em. You probably have a thousand right?"

"Uh." That actually wasn't Peter's confusion at all. He looked towards Mitch, then back to Mindy, then asked quietly, "...wait, you've... paddled him?" Everything so far had seemed very... one sided? Master did stuff to Sub. Unless it was a sex thing? The sheer idea of trying to paddle Simon, or Simon wanting that, was so foreign and seemed so not-Simon that his mind couldn't even conjure the image. ...Did offer him a brief memory of Simon's backside from earlier, though.

"Caleb was nice enough to explain the whole... not always sex thing? So I'm starting to get it-" he frowned, realizing that one part did confuse him, "but not entirely? You, uh," and there was the blush again, "certainly seemed to be enjoying yourself? So how is that... not sex? Just because it isn't," breath, talk like an adult Peter, "something in something else type of sex doesn't mean it isn't sex...?" If someone was getting someone else aroused and knowing that it was going to do that, wasn't it a sex thing?

"Oh that. I like it when people watch. So maybe that's a sex thing?" Mindy giggled. "But it's not like any of that is going to lead to sex. We do that at home and in private only," she said. "I don't mind sharing Master for classes and demonstrations or at parties but everything in his pants is mine." She nodded, her buns bobbing. "And yes, Master likes to be paddled. Sometimes." She shrugged. Obviously Mindy didn't judge.

She knew Peter probably had more questions than that but maybe he was saving them up for Simon?

"If you're just looking for a teacher, Simon really is the best. You're in really good hands, Peter, if you wanted to try anything. Did you like watching the show? Did it maybe you want to try?"

Aaaand the blushing deepened. He swallowed and the sheepishness stayed, but he was trying to keep himself focused on the questions and answers instead of his unease. "I... definitely prefer the sound of that. The private thing." Which probably answered her other questions, too. "I don't... want just a teacher, either." He wasn't sure how much to even tell her, glancing to Mindy's eyes before dropping his gaze again. The idea of someone being... removed from him like that wasn't an appealing. Not when Simon was one of his best friends, someone he cared so much about and trusted.

"It was a good show." Not quite answering her question because he wasn't sure if he enjoyed watching it or not. "I... think not so much on the trying bit, though." A little laugh and a glance towards the people who were getting lessons right now, indicating 'at least not here'.

"Master told me that Simon isn't the sort of guy to settle down. Like, like he's never had a relationship with anyone. He used to take a lot of clients and Master used to be one bit he hasn't actually been with anyone." She wasn't saying this out of the blue or to hurt Peter. She wasn't trying to discourage him either. "But when I saw you with him at the store, I couldn't believe it. I think you're different. Like it wants everything with you. And if that's the case, and you go for it, I'm really, really happy for him. He always has been so lonely to me. Not that he shows it. It's just that he's kind of a great guy. And he's s great friend. He'd give you the shirt off of his back too. But he should settle down. Be good to him, Peter."

"Mindy, leave that poor boy alone and come here!" Mitch called and off Mindy went, skirt flipping up as she half skipped over to reveal still red marks.

Simon let Peter come back on his own, though. And not too long after, the rest of the demonstration with proper kneeling and command words as the fore front of the discuss. And still Simon was more or less impassive.

Hard to read as ever, he was having a little crisis all his own. He liked Peter. He liked Peter too much. It felt one sided now though.

Peter was listening, and at some point had the idea in the back of his mind that 'physical discomfort' was seriously a thing among everyone because kneeling that perfectly for hours on end seemed really painful (though, his mind pointed out, he'd seen JC do something similar, then he had to push that out soooo fast because he didn't want those two things to combine in his head), but in reality? He was having a crisis of his own.

Was Mindy right? That he was different, despite the fact Simon had never had a relationship? Could that really be true?? Simon ... he didn't date anyone? Ever? Get settled into something? Or was it all because of this? He knew Simon was a great guy and a better friend - he would have said that to anyone long before tonight - but Simon... didn't seem the settling down type. Hadn't he been so worried earlier, though?

What if he wanted more from Simon than Simon was willing to give? What if Simon only wanted... this? What if he didn't want to have something beyond that? Hearing Mindy and Caleb talk about it, the idea filled him with dread. He couldn't do that.

But what if he fell harder than he already was... and he wasn't what Simon wanted, either? It would hurt both of them. At least he wasn't someone so blind or foolish as to just do this to make Simon happy, because he wouldn't be and in turn Simon wouldn't be either. He tried to read Simon a few times but that expressionless face didn't help his fears.

When the demonstration was over, Peter knew two things. One, they needed to talk when they went home and they needed to talk seriously, and two, they needed to figure out what they wanted from each other. If it didn't matched up...

Could he do it? Stay with the Twelve, forever watching Simon, knowing that Simon would find other people and continue to do this and his hopes had to be stopped? He would leave before Simon, though he had no desire to in any way, but JC and his ideals were everything to Simon. A reason to fight.

Everyone was brilliantly nice, and though Simon was almost aggressive about anyone approaching Peter, that was only because he had promised not to let anyone touch him. He was going to be keeping that promise. Peter was introduced to many of Simon's friends however, some of whom mentioned studying under him with a whimsical little laugh or a nod.

But Simon was anxious to get home. He was anxious to speak with Peter. They didn't end up staying for the free play session. Simon had doubted that they would have anyway.

"Anything else to drink or... Should we just go back to my place?" At least Simon smiled. His posture was less rigid and formal. He no longer had to play the tough guy. Not that he minded of course. He didn't. Peter was just different though.

"Back to yours," he said, relaxing a few degrees at Simon's smile. It was better to see that the almost frightening impassiveness that most of the night had brought other than those moments of near-equally frightening concern. It had felt... good, that concern, in a way he couldn't quite explain. Maybe it was just good to see Simon care that much for him, selfishly.

He would, as they left, catch Mindy's eye and managed to give her a little smile and a thumbs up across the crowd, hoping she understood that signal for things would be okay. The ride back was quiet, with Peter's head tucked against Simon's shoulder blade and feeling the wind of their ride whisk away the sweat and heat of vinyl pants in a club. When they got back, though, he could feel that faint tension in the air and he wasn't sure if he was supposed to start this conversation or Simon...

But deferred to Simon, unless Simon didn't speak up soon. If it dragged, he'd say something. Anything, at this point. He just... needed to know what was going on in Simon's head.

Simon wouldn't make poor Peter wait. He wasn't going to draw it out. All he did was dig out some take out menus, pour them both some water, grab some wine and join Peter on the sofa. Leather and vinyl against leather sounded interesting, comfortable and warm. Skins touching.

"I usually go for Chinese after the club but we did that already. So you pick. He handed the menus and the water to Peter. "And after we call it in, I want you to tell me what you thought. And how you feel. And ask the questions you've been too embarrassed to ask. We can go from there."

Peter could do both at the same time, so he took the menus and started to peer through them, thinking where to start. To him, the beginning, and end, of it all came to one thing, one major thing, that he needed to know from Simon. So, after a breath, eyeballing an Italian place nearby, he asked. "There's only one question that really matters, and I need to know the truth. Is this about a relationship, a real relationship, or this about... what we saw tonight? Caleb told me he does this stuff with Cynthia and that's it. There's no love, no sex, no... them." That wasn't easy to ask, but he managed, and looked up at Simon when he was done with those eyes smeared in darkness but almost scared about what he might hear.

"Pete. I'm just going to be completely honest here and I hope you'll be honest with me," came a half smile, food set aside so he could focus his attention completely on the. A. Sitting across from him. "I'm not boyfriend material. I've tried it the normal way. Everything is fine until the intimacy starts and once that gets going-- it's just bad news from there. I want this part of my life to be apart of my relationship. But I don't want this part of my life to be completely in my relationship. So I've had regular people who couldn't accept this side of me. And people in the community who couldn't turn it off. Or worse, I couldn't turn it off for them because of past scenes. Or because they started out as my client."

He rubbed the back of his neck.

"I need someone to accept that I want it to be like now. Dinner and snuggling on the couch. Or traveling with JC and bringing the fight to the world. But I also want to be in control. I want a pet in the bedroom. And sometimes. more subtly. outside of it."

He watched Peter's face.

"I know myself well enough not to compromise."

There was a certain intensity on Peter's face, listening with complete focus on Simon because he knew he would get the truth and it would be what he had to live with or leave. It wasn't certain how he knew that, deep inside, but he would have staked his life on it. Maybe it was what Simon said earlier, maybe it was what people had said while they were at the club, maybe it was he combination, but in the end when Simon said he wanted the affection as much as the fetish stuff, that was going to be what he needed to accept.

Really, there was only a small part of him that made him hesitate on trying. Completely accepting, he still couldn't be sure until they tried all of this and if he even enjoyed it, but giving it a shot? That much he could do. It was the 'outside' of it that made him so deeply unsure because of what he had spoken about in the club. Tell him. Peter took a breath.

"You told me to be honest, but I would have been otherwise." His palms smoothed over the vinyl covering his thighs in a sign of his nerves. "I couldn't do it any other way. That... combination. I want someone I can... be friends with. A proper sort of relationship. If you need that in the bedroom, I am willing to try, but I can't promise anything. What we saw tonight... I have no idea if I'll enjoy that but I'd be willing to try with you. It's the outside part that makes me hesitate."

He held up a hand, indicating he wanted to say more and he needed to keep his courage together, but... give him a sec. His eyes closed, fingers curling into fists. "I spent a lot... time, effort, money... to get away from my parents. I don't want to feel like I left their control and rules to end up right back in them, you know what I mean?" His head finally lifted again and he looked to Simon, hoping the other understood what he meant. "The whole point of me being out here in the world was for freedom, to learn how to make my own choices - and I'm aware this is one, all of this - you know what I mean? I need to know just what you're looking for there, because I still... want that. To do that stuff. I'm not ready for giving it up."

These were all extremely reasonable fears and hesitations. "I'm not looking to be a parent," he said, though he knew what Peter meant. "But I can't promise that I won't be controlling. That was always a problem. Girlfriends and boyfriends used to say that they could manage it. That they knew where he was coming from and that it was less about restrictions on their liberties than the illusion that Simon made the rules, but it always became a point of contention. It was always a problem in the end.

That worried him more than anything.

"If this doesn't work out, I want to make sure it won't affect our work with JC," he said, solemnly. "If you believe for even a moment that it might, you must tell me. I won't do anything to jelpardize the Twelve."

Peter didn't know where Simon was coming from, but he was learning, slowly. His head came up with the comment about their work with JC, then dropped away, probably damning himself with that small gesture. They were trying to be honest, here. Be honest. "...I don't know." It was the honest truth and he spread his hands as if giving it away. "I don't know because I don't know how much it would hurt."

He couldn't, not now, tell Simon he had almost left already. It felt so stupid on his part. "But-" another breath and he could look up again, "I get the feeling we might know about... how this will work out pretty quickly." The corner of his mouth lifted but the tears at his eyes betrayed him. "It'll already hurt no matter what, but there's different degrees of hurt." He already had been crushing after Simon for a while, and if that wasn't obvious at this part, that had to give it away.

"JC has to come first." Simon was extremely hard on this topic. "I'd rather never know what it's like to have you then to have you and hurt you and force you out." There was no wiggle room in this for Simon. He had some hard demands and this was one of them. He was are Peter had some too even if he was a lot more polite about it.

Peter was gentle but also strong. He was virginal in many ways and though Simon was a teacher in his own right, JC had dibs on their souls.

Maybe he felt a little strongly about that and maybe everyone else had taken to calling him Simon Zealots instead of his true name Simon Zelberg, but again, he wasn't the most compromising bloke.

JC had to come first. If it hurt, he would have to suck it up. He stared down at his hands, thinking on that. His own words came back to him - that they would, he was sure, know if this would work or not probably within a month of starting it. A month. Peter nodded, realizing that he would have to be stronger than he was now. Didn't Simon and JC deserve that from him?

"JC has to come first," spoken like an agreement. Alright. If that was a non-compromise, could he do the same in return? Caleb had said it was about finding the middle ground, after all. "I don't want... the bedroom stuff to be all this is about. You said you couldn't do the boyfriend thing but... can it be normal in other ways?" The flush threatened and successfully crept against his cheeks, making him scowl slightly at himself as he could feel it. "Boyfriend in the streets, master in the sheets?" The little laugh at the end suggested he knew how stupid it sounded. "...I get that you want some control outside of it-- and I want to know how far you mean, but-- I don't want a relationship completely based on just that."

"Bedroom stuff...? You're going to have to elaborate. Because this isn't about the sex. Or about tying you up and whipping you to get off. That's not-- I can get that already if I want it. And I don't want it with you." Simon wasn't sure how to explain this to Peter because he wasn't sure where all of Peter's hang ups were right now. He was still keeping a lot to himself in terms of his questions and there was only so very much thst Simon could lay out without knowing the extent of poor Peter's worries.

He was patient at least. Nothing seemed to frustrate him. He tended to push frustration into action anyway.

"Hey listen. I want to date you. But my life in this community... I'm not giving that up. I did push a lot of it aside for J , but it's who I am inside. So it's... It's not bedroom stuff, Pete. It's lifestyle. It's everything. Obviously it should be discrete in public but I'm not going to turn it off if I go into this with you. I'm talking all the way. Everything. But I can't explain it until you are willing to talk it out with me. Or until you tell me to fuck off because you want a boyfriend that will take you to films and spend weekends watching Netflix and cuddling. I can't do it."

Peter made a frustrated sound, a hand coming up and gripping his hair before he let it fall. "Nothing you're saying is making sense!" He turned that frustrated look on Simon, spreading a hand out as if asking for Simon to give him something, anything that did! "I'm not asking you to give up anything. You tell me one second you don't want sex or this lifestyle with me then in the next tell me you want to date me and can't give it up. Well what is it, then?? I'm here, right now, trying to talk it out with you! Are you seriously telling me that this lifestyle consumes your every waking second when you're not with JC and the rest of us to the point you don't do things like going to see a flick or just bumming around watching TV?"

Given that that was exactly what Simon seemed to indicate a second ago, Peter felt like almost screaming. Simon was contradicting himself back and forth with every other line. What was he supposed to do when he was trying to do everything right? He was here, he was listening, he was being as open minded as he could be, he wasn't asking Simon to give up that life. But what the heck did Simon even want, at this point?? He thought he knew but this new development left him lost all over again.

"I didn't say-- I do want sex. With you. You're not connecting the dots here." Simon smirked. "But it's not about the sex. An example? Let me tell you exactly how I'd want my tomorrow with you to go."

If Peter was going to misunderstand him and not really ask questions then Simon would be blunt.

"We wake up in the morning. I tell you to make me coffee and you do it. You're holding the cup and kneeling on the floor by the couch. I watch the news and have my coffee and then tell you that you're released until we leave. Meaning, you're just Peter and my not pet, but I choose your clothing. Or you ask me to wear something. If I don't like it, I say no and you don't argue. We go to help with the bus. John wants you to hang out for dinner. You ask me permission. I give it. I tell you that you must be back by seven. You get stuck because the bus is late and you text. I know you're fine but you still disobeyed an order. So when you come home, I command you to crawl into the living room and I paddle you five times for it. After, we make a snack together and maybe put on a movie. You lay with your head in my lap and I stroke your hair. We go to bed, and since this is still new to you, I blindfold you, but leave your hands and feet free. I tell you to lay still and touch you however I want. Slowly. I don't let you come. If you move, I paddle you again. If you're good, I let you suck me off. You won't be rewarded with an orgasm that night because you have to earn them. And pets that come home late haven't earned it."

Simon watched Peter's face as he spoke.

"So it's not bedroom stuff. Get it now? It's every aspect of our lives together. I don't want to be your parents. I want to control you."

Peter would have whined a little under his breath, disagreeing with those beginning thoughts, but he actually did stay silent. He listened intently when Simon offered his example and his face would speak volumes. At first, there was a pinched brow, not exactly understanding some of this, but when it got to what would happen if he was late, his brows shot up, surprised, a little confused. Wait, why was he in trouble if it wasn't his fault? The rest of that certainly had pieces of him interested, though the idea of being left aroused felt like it would drive him to craziness.

He finally looked away, then let out a slow breath. So in many aspects, his mind pointed out, he would be giving up a great deal. Caleb's words stuck with him, about how the subs actually had control, but he wasn't entirely sure he understood or believed that, hearing it. He frowned, staring at the floor. He wanted to be with Simon, and this was what it meant. Simon was an unbending figure in his mind, which meant he would have to change. He also had been told to ask, so, he did. "So I would be giving up my freedom, in a sense. Agreed upon." He tilted his gaze to Simon's, trying to read him in return. "So what do I get for giving it up? I would get you, but... it doesn't seem equal?"

"There's no such thing as equality in a relationship. One person always makes more money. Or does more of the cleaning. Or makes all the dinners. Has more friends. Gets more attention--". Simon didn't believe in equality. He believed in fairness but fairness did not mean equal. He also believed in anarchy. And anarchy could never mean equal. "You'll have to figure out for yourself what you get out of it. Me. Yes. Not having to make decisions. Some people like that. And the ability to stop at any time for any reason. It's what I have to offer. The rest... The terms... We negotiate those."

Peter was young and he was naive enough that Simon felt guilty for even trying to have this conversation with him. It had been a mistake.

"I... I'm not going to talk you into anything. That would make me a creep. I can't do that to you. I'm sorry I-- I'm just sorry. I don't know what I was thinking or expecting." Judas had put too much hope in his head.

"You're not talking me into anything and you're not a creep." that much Peter could say flatly, looking down at his thumb as he messed with the edge of a fingernail. "I'm just... this is a lot. I've never done anything like this before. I never even imagined it. I'm not against giving it a try. Certain... parts of it sound... good." Damn he hated his inability to keep down a blush, so instead he scowled at his hands.

"I just don't get the feeling 'trying' is something you want. It feels like you want all or nothing, and the idea of constantly getting punished for something I don't know about is... strange. Doing something I know is wrong? That makes sense," it made sense? But yeah, his mind told him it did, "but there's so much I don't know."

He took a very quick breath, his fingers curling in. "If you could have had all this stuff before, whenever you wanted... why haven't you taken it? Why don't you already have someone?"

"It's the people. You have to-- I want a connection. Not just someone who has only side of me. I don't want that all the time. I mean, I can go days or weeks without really wanting a pet. And for awhile, it was fine to scratch an itch, yanno? I gave up my clients. I can't start relationships with people that used to pay me. And some of the people I sleep with sometimes aren't really my type."

Simon didn't look sad. Just resigned. Like he knew and understood what he was getting at with all of this and he was already counting on not getting anything. He put his fork on his plate, a way for sound to detract or deflect the situation.

"There's someone out there for everyone. The world's just too chaotic to always find them. I think I was getting too carried away with the thought of having you without stopping to think how you might feel about it." He pushed his chair back as if signaling a finite end to this conversation.