forallyoucare | (no subject)

(no subject)

JC wasn’t sure when the voices started. They popped up here or there in his childhood, usually egging him on to do something dangerous. His mum use to say that he was playing with an imaginary friend, but the voice was never a solid thing to run down to the corner shop with or to throw sticks in the river with when the other boys in the neighborhood thought he was too weird or creepy to hang around with. The voice never stuck around either so JC couldn’t exactly blame it. And he sounded mad when he did.

After a rather detrimental and insistent period in his teenage years, culminating in one very big adventure that nearly gave his parents a heart attack when the voice demanded that he go all the way to the city for a few days without telling anyone, it disappeared for a long, long time.

But that sweet, familiar persistence came back again one afternoon where they were just leaving a coffee house after a small after-concert rally with the Twelve, or while he was showing Andrew a cat video that one of their online supporters tweeted him, or when he was by himself in the woods looking up at the sun through the sky-- He didn’t know when it started but it was back again and it was itching at his skull like sand stuck behind his eyes.

All he knew was that they needed to start reaching more people. Facebook and Twitter were fine. Tumblr worked. The new Youtube channel seemed to be doing all right but the coffee shops in small towns around their home base? The venues were just too small. They needed to travel, together. All of them.

That’s when he went to Judas with his idea. Err…the voice’s idea. “What if we rented and RV and traveled? We could book gigs everywhere!”

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Another few thousand, Peter thought to himself, but that comfortable part hadn't quite come to him yet. Privately, he thought he might have asked a few more, but here? The cat certainly had its claws full.

If none of them guessed Peter was absolutely on the verge of panicking? He felt he was doing well. Honestly, down to his core, he didn't want to somehow insult any of these people OR embarrass Simon, so he was trying with everything in him. It might not be hard to miss that he brought his eyes right up to Cynthia's, looking at nothing else, and he did give her a real smile when he said 'hello', but his eyes went right back to his boots. He wasn't used to people being dressed in so little around him and while she wasn't his type, it didn't mean he wouldn't oogle a little if he gave into that urge.

Still, everyone seemed really friendly, which was helping immensely, so when suddenly he was left alone with a new thought (would he have to call Simon 'Master', then?) and a new person, it took him a moment to catch up mentally. When he started, realizing he was being rude, he gave a sheepish smile and offered out a hand to Caleb. "Nice to meet you. Need a hand?" Always ready to lend one.

He would jump right in to helping to set up chairs, realizing that the questions he even had for Caleb felt rude to ask. Mistress... was it just always like that? To never feel equal to your partner? Did they ever just live normally together? The idea of always being 'on' felt like it would be exhausting when he just wanted to come home and collapse or go have fun with the Twelve or whatever, that any failure might end up ... er, with physical discomfort? How did they handle it? Did it feel weird to have someone see her in that type of gear?

...Did they love one another? How did love fit into any of this? He imagined he'd always find love, and there felt like that spark, the beginning of it, when Simon mentioned the hospital and feeling it since then... but was it that? Or was it just... lust and the desire to have someone in this community with him?

Peter closed his eyes and took a pointed breath. Maybe he should have read up on the internet more.

They finished up quickly together and Caleb invited Peter into the room Simon said was for refreshments just next door. It was empty and Celeb asked if Peter would help him with the tables. "You look like you have a hundred questions. So how about I answer a few I had at first when Cynthia brought me here."

There was a gentle smile behind this tall young man as he and Peter clicked the legs together.

"Cynthia was my English professor. Two years later I became her TA and I was friends with her boyfriend and pet. They let me ask all sorts of questions but I was nervous. They acted like regular people most of the time but sometimes Cynthja would use him as a foot rest or make him run errands for her or kneel and hold our glasses while we were doing work. He said that they liked to live the lifestyle when it suited them. And Cynthia said she could tell when he wanted to be pet instead of boyfriend. That it was sometimes easier to let go and not have to think and just, you know, do. I didn't get it. Anyway, he got tenure at a university in America and Cynthia was happy for him even if it meant breaking up. That's just how it goes sometimes. She and I aren't in a relationship if you're curious, but she's training me."

He had Peter help him spread a sheet over the table.

"So no. We don't have sex. Yes, I call her Mistress while I'm acting as her pet. I don't live with her but sometimes I do stay over--". Caleb paused at the twitch in Peter's eye when he mentioned sex. "This is rarely about sex, Peter. Some people enjoy sex during their sessions and some people have sessions first and sex later-- For me, I like the idea of being helpful. And I like knowing my place. And I hope one day to find someone that will be my true Mistress so I can love her and she me and I can still have all of this in my life. Simon's sort of a legend around here. There aren't a lot of doms that work here at all. Not men at least. I hope you'll keep an open mind about all of this. I understand being shy though. But you can ask me anything."

It was almost disturbing how much Caleb seemed to read into what he was thinking, but then again, if Caleb had gone through something similar, maybe it wasn't a surprise he could guess what was racing through his head. Peter listened intently as they worked, trying to take it all in. In a lot of ways, it felt easier to ask a stranger some of these questions that even Simon. He never wanted to make a fool out of himself in front of Simon and despite Simon's reassurances, he still felt like one for it.

"...That's... intimidating," Peter admitted, the corner of his mouth lifted. "All of it, in particular the legend bit, but... I feel completely out of my league. I didn't even know this sort of thing really existed until a few days ago, and the idea of being part of it might be--" he made the one-handed mind being blown gesture. "I wouldn't be here if I wasn't interested in learning some of it, even if only to understand Simon better. I..." He hesitated, chewing his lip, before asking quietly, "how deep does it really go? Simon... said it was all or nothing, but the idea of not being able to just do stuff on my own again? That feels a little like I just went back to being under my parents."

A pause, eyes wide, before he made such a face. "Uh, I hope that didn't come out like I think it did! I mean I just got out and able to do my own thing, you know??" He hoped Caleb would understand! "I mean, at certain times, it actually sounds like it'd be kind of nice but... all the time? Or... is not common? Or a thing? Or-" he swallowed, just forcing himself to stop.

"How did he put it? The all or nothing part? I don't know a lot about him, but he's never actually had a sub. Long term, you know? I knew he used to take clients. And there was Mitch. But Mitch decided he wasn't really cut out for yielding. I think-- I think he might mean relationships? Like he only wants someone in this lifestyle. Like that. Might need to ask him. Or Cynthia. Or even Mitch. I don't know how personal that is."

Caleb liked to talk about himself and his experiences. That much was obvious.

"Because there's no such thing as being on all the time. You have to keep being yourself. And I know this going to sound crazy, but I feel like I'm more myself when I'm doing what I'm told. You develop a style. And there's always something-- a lot of subs will tell you this, Pete. We are the ones in control. It's our bodies. Our desires. We let them do things to is because we want it. Not the other way around. You're not going to lose yourself."

It actually felt really good to hear that, even if it felt like it was counter to things Simon had said, and it showed in Peter's face. Maybe he didn't understand the 'all or nothing' part properly. It would have to be something they really talked about - when it was 'on' or not. He already could tell, in himself, he couldn't do it all the time. If Simon couldn't live with that... it wouldn't work. Simon said he didn't want to be broken or done wrong by, right? So there had to be some middle ground they could find.

"But aren't you being told what to do?" Peter asked, challenging the idea a little, because he remembered well that first sign when it came to Mindy in the store. How quickly she had reacted when she was just having fun... even if it was at his expense. "How are you in control when at some point she could tell you to do something you're not comfortable with? What if that happens? Do you just... have to do it and talk about it later, or not do it and risk being punished for not?"

Caleb nodded because it was a fantastic question, and one he was obviously taking seriously. "I think it comes with trust. She knows my limits. Any good dominant should. I have a list of yeses and noes and maybes. They change all the time. She'll never ask me anything on a maybe list in public because it breaks character if I refuse, see? I genuinely want to please her and she wants to please me too. It's a lot more equal than you think."

But that didn't answer the whole question and Caleb thought on that too as he popped open some of the fancier brand of chips and dumped it into a bowl.

"At first, won't lie, I resisted a lot of things. Even in private. I had to be comfortable with myself. It's give and take and you know, that's a lot like any relationship. And sometimes I do defy her. Especially when we're here. Sometimes I just want to be spanked."

He winked a little at Peter.

"You'll find your way. And he seems to be a good guy. He's not just jumping in with you. That's awesome in my book. And you must care about him a lot to be willing to try."

That sounded... better. Much better. A little something coiled tight inside loosened on hearing it from someone who was living it. It still left him with that deep question about Simon's intentions. Was it some form of love, the something more Caleb was looking for someday, or just someone to have in this stuff? Simon hadn't taken on anyone else... why? Not a red flag but confusing for sure.

Peter was now red around his ears but he managed to keep his voice level. "I'm not sure I could do anything with other people around. I barely am managing tonight -- at least I hope I manage tonight." It felt like that depended somewhere between level of alcohol and topic of the learning tonight.

But he paused in what he was doing and admitted quietly, "I probably care for Simon more than anyone outside of my family." JC... he was a whole different level. Above all of that probably for them both. "Which makes all of this harder, you know? He makes it sound so easy though."

"Relationships are never easy. You have to really work at them. Even these kinds." Caleb smiled at Peter as Simon and Cynthia appeared in the doorway. Simon kept an eye on Peter. Cynthia had her eyes on Simon. "He's really looking out for you, huh?" he asked, amused, and then headed back over to his Mistress. Only when she acknowledged him did he tell her they had finished. "Peter was a big help."

And that made Simon smile and tilt his head slightly to the left to tell Peter to come over. If he wasn't doing it already.

"Thanks again, Cyn. Pete, Mitch is here getting set up. I want to introduce you."

Peter had come over naturally when Caleb did, giving just a brief smile but making sure his eyes were at Cynthia's or anywhere but her. That... would take some getting used to. When he saw worst later he would become a tomato and stare at the floor.

His head immediately looked to Simon at the mention of Mitch and the tightness in his stomach returned. This was the man Simon respected and learned from and he could already guess that he would end up being judged by. He gave a nervous lick of his lips before nodding, trying to keep himself calm. "Sure."

Mitch was nothing like Peter. He was tall, he was muscular, his hair was long and he had a big, black beard that was braided. He looked frightening in a leather vest and pants, tattoos over any visible skin. Next to him, or Rather, kneeling at his feet, was Mindy, her pink hair pulled up in twin high buns. Her outfit was a little more conservative, black and gray plaid skirt and a corset that covered everything. She was wearing fingerless gloves and a wide collar that was purposefully too large for her with a metal dog's name tag hanging off of it. Her eyes lit up when she saw Peter, but she stayed kneeling, legs together and hands neatly resting on her thighs, even if her head jerked up towards Mitch.

The large man was smiling and he gestured with two fingers in a scooping motion. "Go on." Even his voice was different from Peter's, rich and deep.

Mindy bounded up in platform knee boots and embraced Peter in a hug. Evidently helping him pull on leather pants made them buddies. "You came!"

Simon and Mitch also embraced, masculinely affectionate with back and shoulder pats. It was strange to think that Simon had trained this man or that this man was once in Peter's shoes.

Or willing to kneel for anyone.

"You look good, Si," Mitch grinned. "Oh, wait. I know those pants." Dark eyes had fixed on Peter. "Don't you have the same ones?"

"Yep," Mindy said, without the Master tacked on. "We actually wear the same size."

"That so? Mitch, by the way. Simon and I go way back. It's good to meet you. Peter is it?" His hand was huge. "Glad you could join us tonight. Get a good seat in the front row."

Nothing ever could have prepared Peter for Mitch. In fact, he was fairly certain that Simon was messing with him until Mindy was hugging him. That pulled him out of his wide-eyed shock and he managed a brief one-armed hug before nodding, watching Simon and Mitch give their quick embrace. Really, Peter was just utterly and completely confused about how any of this had worked because Mitch certainly didn't seem like any kind of sub... or was this what Simon had wanted... or...

He probably had a near mask of confusion about everything happening in that moment and only the hand coming out towards him managed to break him free again. "Ah, nice to meet you." This man was a viking or something similar; they didn't build them that big around here! It was almost like people back home.

Wait- front row? Oh god no. He had been all prepared to hide in the back-- now he remembered those words about what this would be if Mitch was here-- how was he supposed to watch someone get spanked!?

Could his head just explode from sheer embarrassment? It felt like it could right about now.

Simon was well aware that Peter was going into meltdown mode so he offered the younger man his hand and nodded towards Mitch and Mindy. "I think we'll let you two set up. Come on, Petey."

Though Mitch was unreadable, Mindy looked worried. The pair walked away, Mindy holding onto Mitch's arm like he was her prom date, and whispered something to him that left the Viking snorting before he kissed her forehead. As frightening and impossing as he was, he was a softy. Peter would need to learn not to judge people by their covers. That was a lesson JC himself would approve of.

Out in the hallway, Simon brought his hand up to Peter's cheek, careful and affectionate. "We can go anytime you want. I'm not trying to freak you out," he promised, none of the disappointment he might be feeling in his voice.

"...it's way too late on the freak out," Peter admitted quietly, his eyes half closing and unconsciously leaning slightly into Simon's touch. "But-" he followed up with quickly, his fingers flexing once at his side before meeting Simon's eyes, "I want to stay." It was true, what he'd said to Caleb. Even if he still felt uncertain about whether or not he could do this, he wanted to stay here and learn more because it was learning more about Simon.

Actually, what bothered him more was, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you." That was worse than his being upset. Things were coming faster than he could process them, and he was trying hard to keep up with the ideas from twenty minutes ago and have them make sense to understand the new input, but he was trying. He wanted to keep trying, as long as Simon was okay with it.

Simon laughed kindly as he pulled Peter against him into a hug. "You're not embarrassing me. Not for even a second. I'm just-- I'm so happy you came with me tonight. It means a lot more than I thought it might to have you here." People of all shapes and sizes and dress were moving passed them into the room and some waved and Simon, who nodded back over Peter's shoulder. They wisely did not approach. Likely because this looked a great deal like a comfort session actually.

When pulled back after a moment, holding Peter by the shoulders.

"The moment you feel like you might die of embarrassment yourself, you tell me. We'll go immediately, all right?" The last thing he wanted to do was see Perer hurt in any way.

Peter couldn't even keep up the pretense and for the moment he had it, sagged against Simon and took that moment of refuge gratefully, putting his head against Simon's shoulder. It felt like a great relief to hear that out of Simon and blindly he reached under he had the back of Simon's jacket in one hand, squeezing back. When Simon chose to pull back, he didn't completely have himself together but he was close.

"Uh," Peter's little sheepish look was returning, something more familiar, "is it now I admit I've already been to that point?" He gave a tiny laugh, a hand coming up to rub his neck. "I don't know how I'm going to make it through some kind of lesson on spanking someone. I've never seen anyone in as little clothing as Cynthia was wearing unless it was on my computer. I'm going to end up introducing myself to people's shoes at this rate."

That might have unintentionally admitted something he didn't mean to which was exactly how far he had gotten with people in the past. Sure, some petting with clothing on, he had gone on dates just... well, he had been raised to believe you waited until you were married to do things and while that notion wasn't a part of his life anymore, it had dictated enough of his younger years. There was that very weird mix of proud and ashamed of his history that came from when you might have even been arranged for a marriage in the kind of family he was a part of, so you didn't go about doing things... or just that sort of normal prudish nature of his family.

Oh. Oh shit.

Simon knew he would ruin Peter. He just knew it. The kid had no idea about himself or about anything else. He was a virgin. He'd probably never been on a real date (the stuff you do in secondary taking girls to movies? Not a date). He'd never loved. Or had his heart broken. He didn't know himself. And here Simon was trying to mould him into something else. Something foreign.

He pulled Peter's hand to his mouth and kissed his palm as he fought his own sickness at all of this and then kept that hand in his own as he pulled Peter down the stairs.

They weren't staying here. They weren't doing this.

"I'm so sorry, Pete. I didn't think-- I should have prepared you more or--". Not said anything.

"Whoa- Whoa!" The change was so sudden that Peter actually did something he rarely did and he fought back- he turned his hand and gripped Simon's hard, showing he did have some strength in that body and tugged back hard enough to keep Simon from pulling him or even going any further. Not what he wanted! His heart was racing as he tried to figure out the best way to handle this and make Simon understand-

With that not-quite-fear born strength, he tugged Simon into one of the side rooms (public, he remembered, since the door was open currently), not even looking around but no one was in it. Instead, he met Simon's eyes and said bluntly, "I would have left if I wanted to leave!" Trying, with a hint of desperation in his voice, to get this all out before Simon either got angry with him for pulling him around or just out right told him to go. "I'm still here because I want to know more, even if I'm overwhelmed-- I want to know more about you!" He gestured around them, indicating the club, the everything up here. "If this is a part of you, then I want to know it. It might take some time but I'm trying!"

Colour Simon surprised. He looked back over his shoulder at the still blush-glowing kid at the other end of his arm and tried to understand what was happening here. Nothing at all that Peter said seemed to be in a language he understood at first because his mind was on protect Peter mode. This didn't seem like the best place to do that right now.

"I... What? Pete, no. We can go back to my place and we can talk. We should have just talked anyway. I don't know what I was thinking. This is too much for you."

In the hall, Mitch's deep voice boomed that they were about to start the demo. But Simon didn't look up.

"I don't want to force this on you." Force and control had to be accepted first. He didn't just want to subjugate Peter. He wasn't that sadistic.

Okay, Simonw asn't getting angry, good. Right step. "You're not," Peter stressed quietly, not hand still tight on Simon's. "If you were, why didn't I just leave with you now? Or walk out of here at any point? Or go running screaming into the night?" He shook his head. "I might not have a clue but... you're not forcing me, if I wanted to leave, I'd leave, but... I'm here because you're here. I want to know more about you. I'm not going to understand this or you if I don't try," he paused in his attempt to explain his own feelings, biting his lip, before shrugging. "Even if I'm so out of my league."

He looked towards the door, then added, "remember what I said earlier? I wanted to see how tonight went, and I still do. I... might not want to sit up front for this demo, I might explode from embarrassment before it's over, but I'm here because I want to be. You might just have to deal with me being like, like this," tapping his chest chest twice, "if we're going to go forward with this. Just- trust me, too, okay? If I want to go, I'll tell you. I haven't gotten to that point though- er- I might need a breather once or twice."

The corner of his mouth lifted, trying to sound a little joking, but still quite serious.

Simon didn't know how to take Peter. He really didn't. No one had ever flabbergasted him so quickly and so fully before, but he let himself nod just the same, smiling with Peter for solidarity and out of pride.

"How about we just sneak in the back then," he offered, letting Peter hold his hand if he wanted to. He wouldn't squeeze too tightly otherwise or force it on him.

By the time they made it inside, Mitch was still in the middle of speaking. He was seated in the purple chair with Mindy kneeling at his feet as she had been before. "Remember to always take the cue from your submissive," he was saying. "If you're in a lifestyle pairing, this will all have been worked out before hand. But the same is true if you're in a scene or participating in play here. Permission, permission, permission. Now. Mindy would never expect me to ask at home to spank her, though she might ask me to spank her if she wanted it. For this demonstration, let's say that she is not my submissive exclusively but is a participant in a scene here. We work out ahead of time what our yes and noes are. Remember. Public play excludes the maybes list everyone! So Mindy. Today I would like to do a scene with you. I want you to lay over my knees and I'll spank you with the flat of my hand and then a paddle and a flogger. Is that all right?"

Mindy smiled. "More than all right." Some of the crowd chuckled and Mitch patted his knee. The woman scrambled up to lay herself over his lap, her feet crossed at the ankles and her arms hanging over her sides. Mitch proceeded to talk his way through techniques and positions, tapping lightly and running the area he hit after a large spank. Mindy was wriggling by the end of the hand demonstration, cheeks pink and gasping a little.

There was no doubt that she was enjoying herself.

Peter... had no idea if everything he'd said had actually gotten through to Simon or once everything was said and done tonight Simon was going to decide he clearly wasn't cut out for any of this and tell him to run along, but he hoped maybe he had managed to properly say his piece. He ended up squeezing Simon's hand tightly, once, before letting go and walking back with him. The back felt like the better location for tonight, and there, people wouldn't see the fact that as predicted, he did end up blushing, but it wasn't nearly as bad as he would have thought. Mindy still had underwear on, even if it was very skimpy under that short skirt, and thus he could more keep his eyes on Mitch and listen.

But he tried to do better than that. Simon had mentioned physical discomfort - was this what he meant? He glanced to Simon on occasion, trying to read the other's expression, but didn't want to be rude and made sure his attention either remained on Mitch or Mindy. Did Simon want to do this? How could Mindy be enjoying it? Her skin looked fairly red and Peter's brow was pinched as he tried to connect things together. He couldn't deny she clearly was but... was that the norm or unusual?

When the flog came out? If Simon was watching Peter's expression at all, a slight look of horror showed up to be matched by a slight wince when the first strike came. That... confused him even more, it looked like it hurt!, then Mindy's reaction confused him on top of that.

"It's velvet," Simon whispered in Peter's ear. "It sounds worse than it feels." But watching such a big man whip such a small woman might not really be Peter's cup of tea. Still, if he stopped to really look at it, the techniques he was using were almost beautiful. There was a circular motion to each stroke and after three blows, Mitch was gentle to caress what had to be sensitive skin over Mindy's thighs and rump. He was speaking about aftercare now, kneeling down with the woman and holding her gently as she snuggled against him for a little while. It was easier to see them from their standing position since both were now currently on the floor.

"What I'd like to do now is invite everyone interested up here. We have a leather sheet to practice on and I'll give anyone that wants to some pointers on their lashing techniques. Or there's refreshments set aside as well. We'll give Mindy a little time to recover and then we'll move onto obedience training."

Simon's face had been relatively passive. Watching others never did it for him.

There was no way in hell he was going up there, and everything in his body language spoke that. Still, he didn't look horrified anymore, even the blush wasn't so bad. Mindy looked happy enough, no one else looked upset, but he couldn't get any kind of read on Simon. It left him biting his lip until he took a breath, remembering Simon told him to ask questions, and asked softly, just for Simon to hear, "I don't understand it. Doesn't it... hurt?" He knew it hurt, obviously, but the question in his question was obvious enough - why did it seem like she was enjoying being hurt?

Though somewhere in the back of his mind, he wondered... what would Simon look like if they did that? Still impassive? Calm, like Mitch? Intense? Aroused?

Had to stop that line of thinking quickly.

"It's not a lot of pain. More like-- it's startling. It makes your skin warm and very sensitive to any other touching. A cool hand on hot skin feels pretty nice, right?" Simon's smile had returned. "Remember the part of the body he's hitting too. What's back there? Layers of fat and muscle, right? To give you a cushiony place to sit? If he were to slap your face on the bottoms of your feet with half the pressure, you'd feel a lot more pain. Some people find the rhythm of the slaps soothing. Some are aroused by it. It's personal, Petey. Everyone is different."

Someone Simon knew started to head over and the other man held up a hand.

"I'll find you in a little while, Emma," Simon said because he was with Peter now. And this was the after care to the scene they had been been mentally in. They needed this time together in solitude. "Why don't you touch some of the equipment? It will give you a better understanding."

It felt strange to be called "Petey" in this type of scenario though he wasn't certain why, but he listened intently. In a way, he supposed he could understand the idea behind it. The idea of being slapped in the face or his feet sounded far, far from attractive but... At least he didn't have the connection between the action and his parents, his parents most certainly had never struck their blessed little boy.

At the mention of touching the equipment, he looked towards the front, lips thinning, but what had he said out there? He wanted to learn. Go up there. So he nodded and flexed his fingers once before moving up towards the front of the room, towards the equipment, but didn't quite reach out to touch any of it. Was he allowed to? Not on a play-level but it wasn't his politeness level. Still, other people were up there, picking things up, so he ended up picking up one of the floggers, fingering the material. Would it really not hurt? At least it wasn't leather - that one over there looked like leather, ouch. He ended up flicking one of the lengths of velvet against the skin of his forearm, trying to see if it really hurt or not.

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Dawww Simon <3

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