forallyoucare | (no subject)

(no subject)

JC wasn’t sure when the voices started. They popped up here or there in his childhood, usually egging him on to do something dangerous. His mum use to say that he was playing with an imaginary friend, but the voice was never a solid thing to run down to the corner shop with or to throw sticks in the river with when the other boys in the neighborhood thought he was too weird or creepy to hang around with. The voice never stuck around either so JC couldn’t exactly blame it. And he sounded mad when he did.

After a rather detrimental and insistent period in his teenage years, culminating in one very big adventure that nearly gave his parents a heart attack when the voice demanded that he go all the way to the city for a few days without telling anyone, it disappeared for a long, long time.

But that sweet, familiar persistence came back again one afternoon where they were just leaving a coffee house after a small after-concert rally with the Twelve, or while he was showing Andrew a cat video that one of their online supporters tweeted him, or when he was by himself in the woods looking up at the sun through the sky-- He didn’t know when it started but it was back again and it was itching at his skull like sand stuck behind his eyes.

All he knew was that they needed to start reaching more people. Facebook and Twitter were fine. Tumblr worked. The new Youtube channel seemed to be doing all right but the coffee shops in small towns around their home base? The venues were just too small. They needed to travel, together. All of them.

That’s when he went to Judas with his idea. Err…the voice’s idea. “What if we rented and RV and traveled? We could book gigs everywhere!”

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Peter ended up making friends with the cat, crooning to her softly until she came over and when he returned, he looked somewhat dazzled and had an armful of cat, slowly petting her head with the other hand. "This place is incredible," he said quietly as he came back into the dining room, then paused when he saw the spread.

He wasn't blind to the effort. "You didn't have to do all this," he murmured, but his eyes showed that he was honored by it. Kneeling down and letting the feline go, he came over and took the other set spot, feeling... happy. Really happy. Even with all the embarasment of earlier, he still felt really good about this.

Until he questioned all the reasons behind this stuff again. Like what Simon wanted. Why he was doing this. Why Judas. Why... any of this.

"I'm not doing much of anything," Simon said, which was just a smidge of a lie. He never cared enough to do this for anyone else after all. Judas didn't get this. The random person he brought home didn't get this. He hadn't tried to wine and dine anyone ever... Unless it was part of the gig he was hired for.

Unfortunately, he couldn't hear any of Peter's questions either. He couldn't explain that Judas was just sex and a bit of fun. Or that he really wanted Peter to be impressed. And comfortable. He wanted to put himself out there as a provider. Simon hadnt really trained anyone like this. He didn't have the relationship Mindy and Mitch had. He honestly wasn't even sure how to go about it but he'd been pining for Peter for as long as he'd known him.

"But if it means you'll keep smiling like this, I'm not going to stop either. You're the sunshine in the group. You know that right "

"No way. JC has that spot all to himself." Peter spotted the wine and decided he definitely was going to need a glass at some point to steady his nerves, but right now his stomach urged him to reach out like he would have at any of the group dinners and start serving - but to Simon first. That was simple politeness kicking in, usually serving his parents or JC first.

"Not sure anyone can be considered the sunshine against his sun." It wasn't angry or upset or even jealous, just a truth to him. JC was something incredible, something that felt beyond him sometimes and completely down to earth at others. It made him want to follow JC to the ends of the earth, the end of this journey they were going to go on now even if it meant giving up so much.

"Sorry, mate. Not sure if I agree with you there. He's got a magnetism and power and all the glory but sunshine is all you." Simon watched as Peter transferred food out of the expensive bowls he'd dumped the take away into and onto his plate. Okay. How could not like that? He'd not asked for or waited for Peter to do it. He just did. That didn't make him sub material or make him even want to be one but damn. Peter was just so... Perfect.

Simon watched him for a few moments before he leaned in over the now loaded plate.

"But all right. Let's say that JC is our sun. You still shine more brightly to me. All it takes is a smile from you and my day is made." Maybe he was going a little overboard here but it was the truth. No one could calm him down like JC. No one could make him feel more accepted than JC. But Peter made him happy.

Just knowing he was there.

"You'll just have to suck it up and keep doing what you're doing. You're important to all of us."

Peter ended up gaping at Simon after those comments, like his breath had been taken away. His lips slowly closed with a wet sound, a swallow, trying to find words. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, made him feel quite this way. JC made him feel included, stronger, like he could do something more with his life, but Simon...

Simon made him feel wanted in a way he couldn't pin down. Not just a sexual thing but he went out of his way to make sure he was included when they made plans, even when he was out of his league, came to talk to him before he left each day, and that look right now...

"Then I will," he said quietly, his gaze dropping to his plate, then quickly started to ramble in his nervousness. "You are, too, you know? You're the one who has all the fire inside of him. Who keeps us all fighting. We need that. ...I need that, too. I don't know if I'd have the courage to do any of this without you. Nevermind that I probably be brain dead or worse."

"Hey. Anyone would have helped. I was just in the right place at the right time." He liked being Peter's hero though. He really liked how, all this time later, it still made him important in this kid's life. He felt good being responsible for him. He felt really good being there for him too. Simon just smiled and shoved some noodles into his mouth. "And besides. You're here with us now so job well done, me."

He lifted his glass in salute to the other man and took a sip.

"You gotta start giving yourself more credit here, Petey. It's not me that gives you any courage. And I'm not the one that put the fight in me either. Our boss man did a number for both of us there. Are you excited about this next leg?"

"You're full of bull if you think just anyone would have broken it up." Briefly, he was serious, and the look in his eyes showed that. Only Simon had looked towards his cries of pain and managed to get the thug off him who had taken advantage of how wasted he was that night. He couldn't remember well about how it started, some damage had been done after all by the time Simon had found him, but he wasn't sure he wanted to remember, either.

"Job well done, you." He laughed with that, dissolving the brief seriousness, and decided that sip of wine looked like a very good idea and matched it himself.

"...JC was the one that got you fighting?" That actually brought a bit of confusion to Peter, who hadn't known Simon before - no one but Judas did - but he couldn't imagine Simon has anything but a fighter, one way or the other. "But, yeah! I'm really excited! I want to see more places, more people, make their lives better... see if we actually can make a difference."

"I used to just fight myself, or other people. I didn't have a cause. I didn't know I could have one. Not until he found me." Maybe they was vague but Simon didn't just talk about himself. Judas, John and James were the only people who knew anything about him. They use to joke that he was the J-Break, five Js and an S. Silly stuff, but there weren't any more J names after him.

The food was good. The company was better. They talked for awhile about the cause, about helping people, but as the time on his phone reminded him it was just after seven, Simon told Peter to relax or poke around or use one of the other bathrooms if he needed a shower because that was where Simon was headed. He took... He took a really long time. There's Something About Mary reminded him to jerk off before tonight so he did. Slow. Peter was on his mind as the water dissolved the product in his hair. He'd return to his bedroom in a towel and glasses, hair hanging in his face.

It might be the least put together he'd been in front of Peter before.

Peter did end up taking a shower, but he didn't take very long. Instead, he felt keyed up, almost like he was vibrating, bouncing on his toes as he dried out his hair and positioned it just so so it would dry properly. Getting into those pants proved to be more difficult than expected when he was damp but a tiny bit of digging in the ridiculously oversized bathroom came up with baby powder in the closet so he used it as a bit of a cheat, getting himself into it.

The back zip and buckle he couldn't exactly do so he left the shirt off and brought it with him along with the boots, folding up everything and leaving his old clothes in the bag. Since Simon still wasn't around, he poured himself another glass of wine, drinking it slowly while he checked out Simon's room without disturbing anything. The posters, the massive amount of clothing, the little things that made up Simon's life he never got to see. So many questions... He made himself comfortable on Simon's bed, popping on the television and relaxing while he wanted.

When the door to the bathroom opened and he looked up, he wasn't sure if his mouth went dry or he was going to drool. It was.. wow. Simon looked incredible like that.

A shirtless Peter on his bed, in his bed, made all of that time in the shower a waste. Simon sighed, disgruntled with himself, but couldn't help but take note of the way Peter looked at him. He had never been blind to it. That wasn't most of the problem. He was just so sure that he was stuck never getting to have what he wanted for fear of hurting it.

There was a juxtaposition here. Sweet Peter and Peter in those vinyl pants. A little sour. A little dangerous. Simon refrained from wetting his lips and headed over to his closet instead. He had no trouble with leather pants. He had no trouble in mesh shirts either but he preferred his t-shirts and leather jackets. Tossing them over his shoulder, he fished out the smallest pair of male underwear ever and in a mark of cruelty to them both, let the towel drop to step into his dark red jock strap. The elastic snapped against his skin before he pulled on his shirt. The pants would wait until he was dry.

"How're you at eyeliner?"

If Simon ever doubted Peter was into men, that was probably laid to rest at Peter's expression that was somewhere between shock and arousal. The slide up of the knee to hide anything potentially popping up was a dead give away before Peter looked ANYWHERE BUT AT SIMON and coughed, trying to get his brain functioning again.

"Uh. Not?" Something he hadn't bothered with in the past and he had no idea how to do anything with makeup, though he'd seen some of the others with it plenty of times and didn't think much of it. His mind was still very much wrapped up on the mental image of Simon's body. That red was good against his skin...

"Trust me?" Simon used the words Mindy had earlier before he climbed into the bed, red and skin and damp hair making his particular look more than a little enticing. And like Mindy, he didn't really wait for an answer, already having snagged the eyeliner he'd gotten while waiting for Peter at the store off of the dresser, as he knelt over Peter. There was just that knee between them really. "Sit up straight and look up."

Simon had been applying eyeliner for years. To himself. To clients sometimes. He didn't mind doing it and this would let him touch Peter without being overt. They were deliciously alone in this flat and in this bed, Simon had neglected to put his pants on and Peter was without a shirt. That made their skin to clothing ratio intense Simon was already enjoying the vinyl against the inside of one of his thighs.

"You know I do-" And then Simon was on the bed. Peter started to back up when that knee came between his, sitting himself up at the same time before freezing up completely. He was kind of a little nervous about the idea of that pointy pencil anywhere near his eye, but he did trust Simon. That was kind of a force pulling at him inside leaving frozen on the spot but at least in a position that was useful for Simon to apply it.

It didn't help he was getting hard. Thankfully the position Simon was in kept him from feeling that problem. He'd have to deal with this after Simon got off him in the bathroom.

When Simon was done, Peter was almost shaking with the effort of staying completely still, but he was staring at Simon's beautiful face with a certain hunger somewhere in his eyes.

"Do you know the sort of life style I prefer to live?" Maybe he shouldn't begin this now. Not with his hands on Peter's face as he smudged the kohl around his eyes to perfect imperfection. It really brought them out, just like they did to Judas'.

Simon knew he wasn't being fair right now. He knew he was playing rotten, sitting literally on Peter to keep him still.

"Or what I need in any partner I take?"

"Uh." He didn't even know how to respond to that. Did he lie and say no, or admit he snooped? He swallowed hard, something Simon would be able to feel and hear, before whispering quietly, "I have a little bit of an idea." Mindy opened his eyes about some things, too, but he wasn't sure what to make of anything she said.

But what he didn't know how to respond to was the latter because what he might have answered didn't make sense because of Judas. Slowly he breathed out (he must have gargled because there was the faintest scent of the mouth wash in the guest room) before shaking his head, very slightly. "No." He didn't know what Simon wanted. What did Judas have in common with those... pictures?

Judas didn't have anything in common with those pictures. That's why he wasn't a partner. He was a... Well, not even a fuck buddies save that they were friends and periodically, they fucked. It wasn't even regular despite neither seeing anyone else.

Simon kept focused on Peter's left eye, applying the liner carefully to his water line. He could feel his breath on his palm and his cheek. He could almost feel the added heat from his crotch, no matter how well that leg protected it.

"I'll show you tonight, but simply put, I want someone like Mindy. Not Mindy exactly, but a pet. I'm not interested in vanilla relationships. And you-- You're worth being kept. I don't want a fling with you, Peter. I want it to mean something. You just have to know what you're agreeing to first to be with me."

Small wonder Peter was confused!

But all of that cleared, briefly, when Simon finally put it out there into that so-thin space between them, laying out there what he wanted. The words Mindy had whispered into his ear back at the shop, what he had denied because Simon hadn't shown any signs (...maybe he had, now that Peter thought back on it?) of wanting anything, never mind this.

He was a little nervous to talk with the feeling of the black pencil smearing at his eye and barely moved his lips, but it was enough. "I want to know more." It wasn't an immediate yes, or a denial, or anything rash but one of the better things he could have said. A positive. Curiosity, even if it might have been a morbid one at this point, but not a pull away or a look of disgust or rejection.

Innocent, yes, but far from stupid. He wanted to know more about... all of this before he let this go any further. Did he want to be with Simon? Possibly more than anything other than staying with JC at this point in his life. Did he realize there was a whole great deal to Simon he knew nothing about? Oh yes. He needed to know more. If it was what he saw in Mindy... he already had questions, reservations, thoughts, but if Simon would show him, he would hold back most of those until the night was over.

Except for one thing.

"No one else touches me tonight." That wasn't something he was going to argue with, not tonight. Mindy had answered so quickly to Simon, even though she wasn't... his. He wasn't sure he would ever want that, but in particular tonight? If they were doing something with... that, then he didn't want someone else there to start things with him.

Peter would have his questions answered tonight as to deference and understanding within the community. He would likely discover that because Simon and Mitch had a relationship akin to student-teacher, Mitch's sub showed respect to Simon by allowing him to control what she said, or in that case, stop it all together. And he would learn, very quickly, just how possessive Simon could be too.

Letting Peter's face go so he could blink at the new feeling of makeup on his eyelids, Simon ran a hand back through his hair to shape it up better like the pompadour he tended to prefer. "No one else was ever going to touch you tonight," Simon informed the younger man before he stood, right over him, and then stepped off of the bed. He was dry enough to get his pants on now. And they were more like trousers than skinny jeans anyway, giving him the feel he wanted with enough room to maneuver in.

Peter would get to watch the hair dressing too, if he wanted, at least. Simon made sure to keep the younger man in view of the mirror as he worked with pomade to keep his hair back.

"Do you have any specific questions?"

The feeling of the makeup had Peter blinking over and over again, clearly unsure about how he felt on the sensation and worried about how long until he accidentally ruined it by rubbing his eyes. Blinking stopped when he got an excellent if odd view of Simon from below, then watched him go to get dressed. Everything was a bit of an alien feeling tonight, from the makeup to the vinyl pants to the mesh shirt he dragged over his head before he followed Simon towards the mirror, borrowing a corner of it so he could stare at his unfamiliar face, eyes framed in black.

"Only about a thousand," Peter half-joked, but he tried to think about the important things. What did he want to start with? If no one was going to touch him, then he wasn't worried. Simon didn't make promises he wasn't going to keep. So with worry out of the way (for now), he puzzled through things until he had something perfect crop up to the top.

"What do you expect from me tonight?" Whether or not this... worked out, he imagined if Simon was taking him to this thing, Simon was expecting something from him - to do, not do, say, not say, he had no idea, but he didn't want to upset or embarrass Simon, either.

"Watch and listen. Ask questions. Ask a lot of questions. Talk to the subs. See how they behave with their masters. I can teach you, but you have to be willing to learn and-- Tonight is seeing if you want to learn." It would very easily to just tell Peter to listen and follow orders. To go where he went. To follow his lead. But Peter was a person and a friend and...

Simon didn't want to ruin that. He didn't want to sap the light he saw from Peter's eyes. He didn't want to lead him along and force him into anything.

As much as he wanted to hold Peter or push him down or teach him how to kneel-- Not tonight. Not until he understood what he would be signing up for.

"And try to stay away from the doms flying solo. They're looking for a one and done. You're better off approaching pairs." Simon would be right there with him but he understood the need for second and third opinions.

That all made good sense to him. He wanted to find out more about... well, everything. About this community. What he would expect. What would be expected of him. He had a lot of images in his mind he wasn't certain if they were true or not - some bothered him, some didn't, some neutral - but letting them crop up without knowing any borders would most likely panic him.

"I can do that," he said quietly, finally dragging his eyes away from himself and instead getting to watch a master sculpt his hair into that perfect masterpiece, something Peter found so odd to watch when he ended to not bother with anything but making sure it dried in a certain direction. "...were... are... you serious about... wanting this... before?" The words came out of him slowly, as if he wasn't sure how to put it as much as he was nervous to ask it. Simon, as far as he could tell, hadn't shown him any sign of wanting him - in any way - before this, so why was this all coming out now?

Simon smiled without glancing at Peter right away. He leaned into the mirror to get a problem piece of hair at his crown to slip into place with a little more wax to keep it all in. "Before? What? Tonight? Yesterday? Before I noticed you were interested in me and refused to speak up?" He wasn't being cruel, he was just pointing out that he knew. Even if Judas' little mention of Peter being a puppy completely seized him up on the idea. "Yeah. Since the hospital. I still don't think I'm good for you. Im pretty sure tonight will put you off of me. But hey. If that happens? We'll always be friends. I won't make it awkward for you. There's no need for it. What we have with JC, that's always going to come first."

Simon wasn't going to risk that. He didn't want to push Peter out of the Twelve and he sure as hell wasn't leaving.

"What happens is between us. The worst thing I could ever do is ruin who you are. I don't want that."

That soothed a worry he hadn't even come up with yet in his mind, that the others would end up finding out about... this. Not about them, Peter would be super proud of that if Simon was okay with the others knowing, but about... anything else. If it went to that, anyway. There was the very pointed knowledge in his mind that not wanting to do this stuff with Simon meant a be-all-end-all. If he wasn't interested, even if he was still interested in Simon, it wouldn't go any further.

Since... since the hospital? All the way back then... Simon couldn't miss that expression of dumbfounded surprise. Had he been missing things all that time? Was it because of what Simon was into that he hadn't said anything? Oh by god if Simon knew he had been interested in him all that time... Peter wasn't sure if he was embarrassed or a little angry that nothing had been reciprocated, then.

"I don't want that, either." That much he knew! "I... no matter what happens, I still want to be friends." His voice stressed just a little harder than he intended. Even if they went into ... that he still wanted to be Simon's friend outside of those times. Or was there no choice? ...Ask questions, stupid.

"Or is that... not a thing? Like, it's an always or nothing kind of thing?"

Everything about Peter was adorable. Simon wet his lips to keep from doing something stupid considering how close they were standing. That should probably change soon or Peter would get a face full of hairspray. The dark blond did at least turn to give Peter his full attention now that his hair was left to dry into its usual perfection.

"I don't date." That was not what was being asked here but follow along, Pete. "And I could just have you casually either. You're better than that. You're worth more than that. Being mine-- it means playing by my rules. I want the control. All of it. And that's not something most people can give up. So for us-- Yeah. All or nothing. It's better that way. I don't want to ever lead you on. I care about you entirely too much."

Even if it didn't feel like that.

"I've had a long time to find myself and I think maybe you should be afforded that too. But I'll show you what my life is. And then you can decide what you want."

Peter's expression melted to something more difficult to read, something that had a great deal of emotion in his eyes as he looked down to the seated Simon. He swallowed before he managed to shake his head, Simon not quite understanding what he meant by his question. "I- I got that, pretty quick. It's..." His brows knitted as he struggled with how to explain himself better. "Around the others. In public? Is it... all the time? Am I free to still be... me? When we're not-" He didn't know how to even ask the question properly and it was obviously getting him a bit flustered. It was a lifestyle, and he was rapidly starting to understand that even if he didn't understand the whole of it, but Simon didn't act like anything abnormal. Peter had no idea about this whole thing until recently, so Simon hid any signs of it well! (Judas, if he had been able to hear any of this, would have laughed his ass off at this thought.)

His shoulders sagged and his gaze went to the side, a bit of a scowl twisting his lips at his internal frustration at himself.