forallyoucare | (no subject)

"You told me I was as close to your soulmate as you could get." So yes. He had known what he was getting into but he had thought that he would fit the bill. They didn't always get along but there was no one in the world that JC was closer to and there was no one that judas let himself get close to either. He'd been hoping to show Judas that he would fit the bill because now that it was in his head, he couldn't get it out.

JC looked passed the pointed finger. He didn't mind that Judas was getting angry and defensive. It was who he was. Who they both were at times.

"I never thought about dating until a few days ago," JC said, ever honest. Never in his entire life. "But touching you the other day, feeling your skin under my fingertips...." His smile, sad, returned. He looked almost wistful. Or maybe just resigned. "You've been the person I've loved the truest and most in my life. Since the day we met." And meeting Judas had not been fun. Not with the state he found him in. "It's always been you."

He held up his hand carefully.

"Please don't-- that doesn't mean it has to be me for you. I had only hoped. And it's all right that it isn't."

"You are." That wasn't even a question for Judas. So that was what started this? He gave a little gesture with two fingers, vague and almost meaningless, but a faint sign of something like nerves. "Dating isn't always the same thing and.. that skin thing... I hate to say it, sounds weird, but maybe you were just horny?" JC, never in a million years, would be the kind to fuck without strings. He seemed more like a 'make love' type of guy... or a complete asexual, which was what Judas always thought of him as.

"We're..." How did he put it? What were the right words? He frowned, thinking on it. "We're something more. Far more. Something that goes... beyond." He was terrible at this sort of thing, all of these emotions. How was he supposed to explain something that he couldn't wrap his hands around?

That explanation, lack of concrete expression and all, scraped at the sadness that had been so very present on the other man's face and JC's smile brightened. He was satisfied with being more than just a date or a boyfriend and he nodded, returning to his meal. Their conversation even returned to normal. Everything really seemed to until a voice latched on to something that Judas had said. Something that had not even been acknowledged. JC paused in the middle of the sidewalk as they left the restaurant and moved away from the Main Street area.

"Can I come back to your place?" It seemed innocent enough. More than it actually was. JC had a strange look on his face. He was rarely unreadable but this look was just so foreign.

When JC just suddenly stopped, Judas, now a few steps ahead, stopped, too, and looked back with confusion. He raised a questioning eyebrow and then- the second eyebrow joined the first at that but Judas shrugged. "Sure." Why not? JC had spent plenty of nights at his place and visa versa, so he didn't even think that much about it. "Can't promise it isn't a mess, though."

Still, what was with that look on JC's face? Judas hesitated in his step, but he trusted his friend more than even himself, so he turned and started in the direction of his place.

It was a studio so small it couldn't even be shared, but it was almost nothing to rent and he was fine with a single room. It was a disaster currently, clothes everywhere but it wasn't the reeking kind of mess that some bachelors ended up with. He looked around, but there wasn't much he could say to it. "Make yourself comfortable?"

That's what happened when you lived in the basement of a very tiny house with three other members of the Twelve. At least Judas was a little better off than Peter smushed in above him. It was certainly not as fancy as the apartment that Simon lived in or as welcoming as the quiet little home JC lived in with his mother, but it was better than the squats that Judas used to sleep in.

Anything was better than those.

JC removed his long black coat and hung it on the back of the door on the hook that Judas seemed to forget actually existed because he never used it. His scarf followed, and he left his big black boots by the door too. As Judas kicked around a path to walk to a bed that JC had been in many times before, the dark haired and dark eyes man began to unbutton his shirt. He didn't have the tattoos that Judas said he wanted. He didn't have track marks or scars.

But he was still lovely beneath the white.

Nothing was as fancy as the apartment Simon lived in, and Judas thought that he had everything he needed here. Why pay for anything more when he wasn't here that much? Needed a place for his stuff, to sleep, and come back and relax at night. That was it. Didn't need a lot of space for that. ~~Judas so would love the 'tiny houses' craze in America.~~

JC was some rare thing to exist, some perfect-skinned angel that felt utterly untouchable until he touched you first. Which he always would. Besides, scars, track marks... he didn't need that on someone. So when Judas made it to the bed and turned to say something and there was JC standing already half-naked, he paused, admired, before he shook his head to clear it. He knew JC. Had known him for years now. JC didn't get those sorts of urges. Even when Judas had, sometimes a bit drunk or less than gently, tried to start something in the past, he'd been turned away, but that had been years ago.

He shrugged out of his coat, throwing it over the back of the nearby chair, then sat down to start on his boots. "I'm a terrible date," his voice was joking, "because I'm going to end up passing out as soon as my back hits this bed." A long day of hard work spoke volumes about how much he wanted to sleep, but he also didn't think much of it.

It Jesus wasn't real until he made the first move, then the moment Judas looked up from unlacing his boots, the man in the bare feet and bare chest with the button to his black jeans open would be a reality. Fingertips traced the jagged edge of face to beard, like he was blessing the demarcation, before he knelt between Judas' feet. Bracing himself with a hand on the other man's thigh, JC made sure that he caught the attention of those pale blue eyes before he smiled.

"Let's figure out a way to keep your back from hitting the bed then," he said, gentle and teasing as if it did not occur to him that he was making a proposition. And even Judas himself might not think he was either until JC gave himself a little boost up with his toes to lightly press his mouth to Judas, perfect smile to crooked teeth.

Judas might have been able to ignore the feel of the healing done to the muscles in his back but how could he ignore the itingle of something so soft?

Things happened in the span of seconds that went from utter confusion to utter shock to utter 'what the hell is going on'. Judas looked up from his boots, ready to toe them off, and got quite an eyefull. JC was a good looking man, almost anyone could admit that, but there was something particularly attractive to see him at that angle, with that not-so-subtly suggestive amount and positioning of clothing. Then to hear him say that?! It was such a foreign thing to hear from JC that it actually took Judas' mind time to realize what was even just said. Did JC even realize what he just said?? That touch wasn't so different than JC had done in the past but combined with everything else--

JC certainly had his full attention when the kiss came. That was most certainly outside of anything JC had done, or more like let him do, in the past that Judas, a thousand times more used to this gesture than JC, actually froze. His body knew what to do, unconsciously bringing a hand up to the back of JC's head and tangling in brown strands, but his mind? That was going a thousand kilometers a second, balking awkwardly, then running again, like a small rodent panicking.

The kiss would only last a few seconds beyond that before Judas brought his head back, eyes wide, looking down at his friend. "...what...?" He didn't even have words, or more like he had a million and none of them could get out. Who was this and what had they done with JC?

What? "Did I do it wrong?" It was an earnest question asked with a worried look. This would be his first kiss and it was entirely possible that he didn't know what he was doing. Watching something didn't give a person the proper understanding of how an act was supposed to happen but it felt so good that he was pretty sure he nailed it the first time.

So that meant that Judas either didn't like it or hadn't been expecting it.

Even if dates usually ended up with a kiss, or more, if one partner went back to the other's place for sleep. JC sat back on his heels, hands flat on his thighs as he regarded Judas with a fragile caution.

If they were more than kissing shouldn't be a problem.

"I can try it again. Or you can show me."

Where did he even start!? It felt like such a loony question in his head to be asking, to be questioning someone why they kissed him. He was a good-looking son of a bitch with a popular group, but this was JC. JC wasn't just anyone. This was someone special and until this moment somehow, he thought, above all this. (Simon thought the same thing, he reminded himself.)

So he held up both hands. Fuck, why was he of all people put in this delicate position? Say the wrong thing and he was going to hurt JC a lot worse than the previous two days, but he wanted to get out of JC whatever the truth was or he was going to forever feel guilty for sullying something so perfect.

"Hold up." Start there. "It was fine - though uh, unexpected." So the latter of JC's two possibilities. "But there's no trying again or showing until you explain what's going on. I'm not about to do anything if this is some... some backlash from the Kickstarter dating, Judas is going to go on a date, jealousy thing. Or you think you need to do this because of what I said. Because it feels like a lot of the latter and maybe some of the former."

He was talking faster than he liked. "You've never done or let me do any of this before. Why now??"

JC looked at Judas as a teacher might to a student having difficulty with the material. He was patient and kind but maybe a little exasperated. "I want to now. The Kickstarter might have edged me on a little but my desire started before it anyone decided to attempt to crowdfund the bus," he pointed out. "We laid in my bed and I felt the need to touch you. I would have continued to keep touching you but you became uncertain. It was awkward for you and so I let it pass."

He hadn't moved from the floor, still looking up at Judas, eyes a little more gentle now.

"I will never be Simon." Because of course he knew. He had always known. "This could never be casual. If I jump in, it's completely. It's head first, and it's forever. But if you don't feel the same for me... Then I would like one small consideration from you. I want to be able to live the remainder of my life without regrets. And I want all of my firsts to be yours."

Judas' jaw figuratively hit the floor at this. What- where- where did he even start with that? His mind was having even trouble processing what he just heard but there was that childish part of him all but shrieking in his head you don't do that to a guy! JC just asked him to take his virginity. It felt somehow wrong to even think that, but that was his own foolishness talking. This was still a guy and every guy wanted that at some point as far as he knew, why should it be any different for JC?

Fuck him. Judas slowly slid a hand back through his dreads, gripping at them as he tried to figure out what to say. His eyes cast around his apartment and there was the slightest wince, knowing JC deserved better. "...one... step at a time," he finally said, knowing he needed to say something but failing to find the right words. Forever. Shit.

So he took a breath and tried to be... well not professional about it but more serious. Focused? Focused. "What are you looking for me, JC? Seriously. To get laid? A boyfriend? Something for the rest of our lives sort of thing? ...I'm not going to- go all the way with you tonight-" oh good now he sounded like a high schooler, "-I need better stuff to work with than this to not feel like a total scum bag about it. ...but... there's... other stuff." Oh he sounded even better.

It felt weird to sudden talk about blowjobs and fucking to JC.

"Can we just kiss awhile tonight?" JC asked, eyes bright and hopefully calming. He didn't need poor Judas to have a fit here because he was out of condoms or whatever else he thought he needed for the evening. JC didn't need to rush right towards anything, even if his skin felt like it was itching from the inside out. He had no concept at all of what genuine, physical desire was like.

No matter what Judas said at the moment, JC would again invade his space. His hands slipped up taut thigh muscles and his lips connected again with the ginger's as he exhaled slightly against his cheek before their lips touched.

It felt a little like praying. Maybe that was a little irreligious to say, but JC had prayed enough to know what it felt like when God let his voices whisper in his ears. And this was a lot like that.

The whole thing felt like it was overwhelming, like having drank half a bottle of something strong and he was floating, unable to quite find down. It felt like a drug. Didn't everything have to be perfect for JC's first time? There was something so damn innocent and pure about him that it felt like it had to be done right, not something sloppy and stupid and you end up regretting it later if you're not lucky. Making out... it was like being a kid again and not on the streets yet, when the biggest worry was stupid kid crushes and thinking you got so far because you got to slide your hand up Veronica's thigh when you kissed last night.

He forced himself to focus on what was happening now, determined to make this something good for JC. So broad hands came up, cupping either side of JC's face, tilting his head slightly to make things easier and making their kiss something more than JC's uneducated attempt. To pull back, ever so slightly, and return again, more tender than he could ever remember being with anyone in his life, almost like unconsciously he was dealing with an easily-spooked animal or something fragile that could break.

Though JC wasn't fragile, he thoroughly enjoyed such a gentle handling, collapsing onto Judas as he took every little lesson and built upon it. JC thoroughly enjoyed himself, fingers stroking down Judas' long neck and nails lightly scratching his scalp between the dreads. They kissed until his lips ached and JC found himself grinning happily down at Judas, shirt still open and one shoulder bare from the wriggling. He propped his cheek up on one palm, his smile turning more thoughtful as he contemplated what they had just done.

"Thank you," he cooed, half breathless, lips a deep coral red. "I feel... I feel like I might just burst. Is it always like this?"

JC didn't think so. And that was a shame. Human beings should spend more time just kissing each other.

It did feel like high school again. Messily rolling about on the sheets like this, learning something all over again, and it felt strange to have it again but not in a bad way. Something that he was still scratching the surface of and trying to understand, this new part of JC that was surfacing. It seemed that ever since the moment of the idea of the bus that things had been changing rapidly.

"It can be?" Judas wasn't sure 'burst' was the verb he would have used here, though definitely in other times, but maybe JC was just more inexperienced...? He let his fingers trickle over skin, taking his time and enjoying the feeling of it, wondering how he could make this better for the future. He needed some half decent condoms and lube for sure...

But some of what JC had said was almost frightening to someone like Judas who had always been so independent. 'Forever'. It occurred to him that JC sounded like a girl when he spoke but there was so much more to his words. There always was.

"Long as it feels good, that's what counts."

JC was a good Jewish boy working in the contexts of his faith and in the way of the world. He wasn't like Judas. He couldn't just sleep around-- He didn't want to. So when he decided to do this, to really do it, he wanted it to be with someone that wouldn't leave him. And Judas, he was certain, was that person for him. They were already inseparable. JC had no reason to think that it wouldn't stay that way.

He was big on eye contact at the moment and with his arm over Judas, head on his pillow, he gazed at the redhead as if he was the only person alive right now. It wasn't the first time he'd done that of course, he was good at focusing his whole being on one thing sometimes but there was a heated difference here. Lust, desire, and simple human need had brought JC down from his lofty pedestal and coloured the way he saw Judas now.

"It does feel good. I hadn't thought it was possible to have a connection this strong."

In return, it was coloring the way he saw JC. It made all those claims and whispers about JC being something more than human even more ridiculous in his mind. JC was a man, one with an amazing view of the world and compassion far greater than the average man, but someone didn't consider an athlete somehow inhuman because they could do well on the field.

He thought, and he would never tell JC it, that JC was just reacting strongly to finally be able to explore whatever sexuality he was. Once he got through those initial stages they all got through as teens, he would calm down. So for now, he held JC close and let him get that experience about a decade or so too late. What was his life? The thought made him smirk, squeezing with his arm.

"Why not? We've always been connected this strong." Still weird to say out loud but something he knew was true. It was that simple to him.

[Bye Jim!!]

"We have been," JC agreed, settling down to press his face into the crook of Judas' neck. Simon wasn't a cuddler but JC was. Judas already knew that going in and had nothing to complain about when it happened now. His eyes closed and he huffed happily against skin that still smelled of middle eastern spices and that hotel soap judas hoarded for special occasions.

There was nothing awkward in the morning, though JC was up with James and John and Peter when Judas woke up, having breakfast. That was pretty normal when JC stayed over though. He nibbled away on his bagel and grinned at Judas when he emerged to hand over coffee he'd just finished brewing before his feet could be heard on the stairs.

It would be a good day. A productive day. And the lecture that evening would go over so well that by the following morning, they'd have even more hands on deck helping out. Simon himself wasn't paying too much attention to Judas until Wednesday afternoon. He hadn't experienced butterflies in so long but going out with Peter, even as friends, to his old club was a big deal.

"What brand of liner do you use?" he asked, dropping into the seat next to Judas as they broke for lunch. He lounged in his chair, one let over the arm rest like he owned the place. "I like it. Extra smudgy."

[Jim just winked on the way out. XD This is what I get for having more than one window open at a time... browser couldn't figure out who I was logged in as.]

Coffee. Judas gave a grunt and a nod and took the coffee, plodding down to sit and get caffeine in his veins. Maybe not the most morning of peoples. Still, it woke him up and got him going for a long day ahead. He had a meeting with the plumber to discuss what they could get away with and how much it would cost - he had to find the perfect balance of 'this is too expensive' and 'makes the most sense for 12+ guys on the same bus for long periods of time' - and being the shrewd bargainer he could be.

Judas looked up from his phone, mouth full of sandwich, and quickly chewed it down before grunting. "Cheap shit from the drugstore. Basically go for whatever they have that's less than a buck. If it's a super shitty one, use the tiniest bit of oil. Makes it smudge better." He still liked his look. Really, was his answer even a surprise? "Could loan you it..." But his glance turned curious, then his lips turned up in a smirk. "Want to look good, huh?"

His eyes turned pointedly towards Peter who certainly looked absolutely beaming over the last few days. He figured something had happened between the two. Finally.

"Well, first of all, I look great. I'll stick with my expensive MAC," Simon postured. "Pete wants help with his look tonight and I figure the more smudge able, the better when it comes to eyeliner. And didn't anyone ever tell you not to share stuff that goes in your body or on your face?" He snorted.

Yeah that was a tease about the needles. Simon never felt the need to sugar coat anything with Judas. Not when they understood each other so perfectly.

A little smirk touched his lips and he followed Judas' eyeline towards where Peter was helping to hook up the sound system. It was not going well. They were hoping to use it so that JC could deliver better sermons without a bullhorn. It tended to jumble the message. Of course right now all they could get was Metallica playing whenever anyone touched the external PA system so that wasn't the best.

"I never had a kink for wardrobe control but just the idea of pouring him into leather pants is making me very unfocused."

"Of course you'd go for that expensive shit." Judas rolled his eyes, putting down the sandwich and eyeballing up Simon, brows up. "So you're actually going out with him? ...Just don't lead the kid on, man. You know he's going to take this to heart whichever way it goes. Wears his heart on his sleeve and all that." He was going to totally ignore that needle jab (heh, pun) because it was terrible, not because it bothered him. If any of the others had done it and he had thought it was on purpose, he probably would have laid them into the ground.

"We're going to end up needing that electrician to help with the sound system," Judas grumbled; it might mean more money. "None of us know how to get that shit together and it sounds worse than the bullhorn and that thing already sounds like crap." He shook his head, not sure what else they could do. "Maybe we could put out word we need a sound system guy. There's got to be one who's willing to donate a little time, right--"

He seriously didn't want to think about Peter in leather pants. "Whatever floats your boat, man. You're the one who's going to have to deal with the hardon all night."

"We're not going out," Simon scowled. "I don't think I could do that to him. He's such a good guy. I want to make sure he stays that way and being with me the way I want him to is going to ruin that." And Simon settled down just about as much as Judas did. Meaning not at all. "I can't risk hurting him either. Can you imagine what his face might look like all bunched up and in tears? I don't even want to go there."

Some tears might be all right, especially during comfort states of a scene but nothing about this would be good for him. And still Simon couldn't help himself. He wanted to flaunt Peter. He wanted him on his arm. He wanted to show him off to his old friends.

"This is just hanging out. At the club. Nothing more." If Simon said it enough, it might be true. "But anyway, wasn't there a guy that strung up the lighting? Can't he help with stringing up the sound system? Petey said we're completely covered now with costs. Some of the guys already started on their dates too." Like Simon did last night. Two for one. It had been a lot of fun.

Judas' expression changed to a deadpan one. "You can't be seriously thinking that Peter won't take this as a date. Don't be that kind of fucking dick. If you want to drive him off, tell him a lie, the truth, whatever, but otherwise you're gonna lead him on. I've seen this kind of crush before and that's exactly what you're after. Otherwise, just tell him. Tell him what you want. You realize at worst, he'll balk completely and your problem will be dealt with or he'll be into the idea and you'll have what you both want. Isn't part of that whole scene about laying out the ground rules? You tell him that you'd still be out fucking other people or whatever you plan to do... " He let out a breath. "Just be honest with him. If you don't, you're probably going to break his heart either way."

He glanced towards the bus, then shrugged. "Sound systems aren't the same as lighting. I'll put out the word on Facebook or-- shit, better yet, the Kickstarter email thing. Someone'll come forward if we ask, I'm sure of it."

"I'm going to tell him. Tonight. Everything about me." That was a big old lie because there were things about Simon that he didn't expect to share with anyone. Not even Judas, and Judas knew him better than anyone else ever did. "I guess my point is to shock him, you know? Give him a taste and let him save face if he's not into it. He can always chalk it up as that one weird thing Simon did, right? Have a laugh about it and he can move on. I'm not planning on getting into any contracts. He's too... Peter. He doesn't know the game yet. And hey, Mister out in the open. Have that talk with your someone special?"

JC was acting normal. Mellow. He wasn't glowing or beaming or spending any of his time glancing over. He couldn't understand their leader and that's part of why he followed him.

Sure. They could discuss the sound system now and the Kickstarter but relationships were more interesting to Simon. And Judas had the technically stuff already figured out. Why not pry?