forallyoucare | (no subject)

(no subject)

JC wasn’t sure when the voices started. They popped up here or there in his childhood, usually egging him on to do something dangerous. His mum use to say that he was playing with an imaginary friend, but the voice was never a solid thing to run down to the corner shop with or to throw sticks in the river with when the other boys in the neighborhood thought he was too weird or creepy to hang around with. The voice never stuck around either so JC couldn’t exactly blame it. And he sounded mad when he did.

After a rather detrimental and insistent period in his teenage years, culminating in one very big adventure that nearly gave his parents a heart attack when the voice demanded that he go all the way to the city for a few days without telling anyone, it disappeared for a long, long time.

But that sweet, familiar persistence came back again one afternoon where they were just leaving a coffee house after a small after-concert rally with the Twelve, or while he was showing Andrew a cat video that one of their online supporters tweeted him, or when he was by himself in the woods looking up at the sun through the sky-- He didn’t know when it started but it was back again and it was itching at his skull like sand stuck behind his eyes.

All he knew was that they needed to start reaching more people. Facebook and Twitter were fine. Tumblr worked. The new Youtube channel seemed to be doing all right but the coffee shops in small towns around their home base? The venues were just too small. They needed to travel, together. All of them.

That’s when he went to Judas with his idea. Err…the voice’s idea. “What if we rented and RV and traveled? We could book gigs everywhere!”

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Rubbing a small circle against the webbing between Judas' thumb and forefinger, JC paid little attention to any of the very closely packed couples that sat around them. They mattered so little to him in this moment, despite the love he had for all creation. His mind was focused wholly on just one person right now. Perhaps Judas would feel warmth moving down his arm to any part of him that was sore. Perhaps he would not. These things were touch and go at best when it came to this, but if he had healed that little boy he had shoved off of a roof when he was a child, surely he could heal a few aches and pains.

JC watched Judas' face, accepting the teasing for what it was. "You can leave the more grueling tasks to those with greater capacity for strength. I'll show you have to do some wood burning tomorrow. You can decorate the bench I've been constructing."

People couldn't heal with a touch. Judas didn't believe in any of that stuff. The world was the world and there was nothing magical about it. He wasn't... quiet... atheist but he might have said it for all practicality of how he acted about things. He'd lived through hell and back and no amount of prayer had brought him anything. Timing had brought JC into his live. Good luck, but he didn't have any of that back then. JC's compassion had been what saved him, not magic or a god or anything else like that. He wouldn't give anyone shit for their beliefs, but sometimes it felt... foolish. You had two hands, you did everything you could to bring yourself happiness with a little help from others along the way. Together, they could make miracles. People could.

"Well, at least the smoke won't bother me." Smirk. "You really trust me to decorate something? What are you thinking about.. painting? Because I don't know if I'd trust any of that woodworking stuff into my hands." Judas paused, looking familiar. "...Might not be so bad with a paintbrush, though. Still, you sure you don't want to give that to like, Peter?" Another thing he couldn't give someone shit about. He'd seen the youngest of them in and out working and his head bent dirty over his laptop to keep up with the Kickstarter. Good kid.

Perhaps want alone wasn't enough to make Judas feel better. JC let his hand draw back, not bothering to ask if Judas' back still hurt to the degree it had before. In the end, it didn't matter. The voice hadn't told him one way or the other if he was channeling any of his abilities. They usually only worked when he was being whispered to.

"If you'd like to paint, to can. And so can Peter. Or I can show you how to install hinges for the cabinets." It would keep Judas from doing anything too physical and hurting himself again. He was discussing how the hardware worked (using his hands in the air as if he was holding tools) when their meals were brought over.

Eating was about the only time lately that JC was quiet. Usually. Today that was not the case.

Today he decided to ask the hard questions.

"When you date... What are you looking for?"

Judas wasn't even really paying attention to his back, not when JC was talking and holding his hand and everyone was around. However, he'd notice later that his back wasn't bothering him nearly as much. He'd shrug and chock it up to the hot shower.

"Hinges, huh? Sure. Teach away, oh wise master." He bowed with a spread hand from his seat, then propped his arm back up. "Probably wouldn't hurt if I knew how to do a few more practical things like that in my life, anyway." Really, he had no particular life skills and he knew it, even if learning how to budget like he did could probably have gotten him a job at some point in his life, but it didn't matter. JC was his job, now.

Then that came out and Judas' easy expression changed briefly to surprise, then forcing back a suffering sigh. Alright. Let's do this.

"Out of no where," he muttered, shoving back some dreads. "I don't know, exactly? But you're probably going to get offended no matter what I say here, so don't take it the wrong way. I just... fuck. Dating? You really think I've gone and dated a lot of people in my life? Fucked, sure, but dated? Not so much."

He didn't like that word. Not because it was vulgar or dirty, but because it sounded so impersonal. Enjoyment of another person wasn't sinful (he knew what the Torah said. He was a good Jewish boy after all, but he didn't agree with it completely) but surely there had to be more than just pleasure? Right?

JC loosely held the spoon in his hand, ignoring Judas' groan because honestly, they were on a date. This wasn't out of nowhere. He just had poor timing.

"You said to me that you might eventually find the person meant for you. Who was perfect for you. So you have to know what sort of person you're looking for outside of sex, Judas."

It was out of no where! Sure they were on a date, but... you don't ask that kind of stuff on a date! Maybe. Judas looked to the side, knowing that JC was serious and he should actually think about it, but things mostly just spun around in his head and all sounded incredibly stupid.

"The problem is you're going to give me shit if I say 'I don't know' but that's pretty much the answer. I really haven't thought about it. I'm not sure that most people who would accept all the shit I'd bring into their life would be the kind of person I want to date." He wasn't beyond realizing just how much baggage he'd bring along. "I guess... I imagined they'd be into the charity stuff. Tattoos? Someone who knows the bad side of life because they've lived it, too. But maybe that's exactly what I don't need." He shrugged. It probably didn't help too much. "Good lay?" Yeah that sounded like an asshole right there and the wrinkle of his nose suggested he knew it.

The description fit him at first and Jesus even smiled along to it because yeah, that was him. He knew everything about Judas. He like charity work-- but it rapidly verged away from him all too quickly. Tattoos. Living something close to how he had lived... Even being a good lay-- None of that was JC. The smile faded and he let the spoon go.

This wasn't the right sort of place and the voice wasn't telling him to do things he had never really considered before. It didn't need to because JC had it in his head that he wanted this. He wanted something more. He wanted to do the things he hadn't because soon... Soon it would all be over. Once they started on this mission, he knew he would have just three years to complete it.

And three years wasn't a very long time, even if he had no idea yet what was waiting for him at the end of the road. He just knew that he would not be able to take what he had now with him.

"So not me," he said, not even bothering to hide his hurt. He never seemed capable of that.

"Fuck." Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. This was exactly why he didn't want to answer this question! He pointed a finger at his friend, brows coming together slightly. "You knew what you were getting into when you asked that question. You asked me what I'd looked for, so I told you. You'd be pissed if I lied to your face, so I didn't. The truth is still that I have no idea who I'd date."

Which clearly suggested the next obvious question. "What about you, then? I know you haven't dated, at least in the time I've known you, so who did you imagine yourself dating?" Because it sure as fuck wasn't him, he knew that much.

He would have slapped JC for those three years thoughts if he knew. Total bullshit. JC had a lifetime.

"You told me I was as close to your soulmate as you could get." So yes. He had known what he was getting into but he had thought that he would fit the bill. They didn't always get along but there was no one in the world that JC was closer to and there was no one that judas let himself get close to either. He'd been hoping to show Judas that he would fit the bill because now that it was in his head, he couldn't get it out.

JC looked passed the pointed finger. He didn't mind that Judas was getting angry and defensive. It was who he was. Who they both were at times.

"I never thought about dating until a few days ago," JC said, ever honest. Never in his entire life. "But touching you the other day, feeling your skin under my fingertips...." His smile, sad, returned. He looked almost wistful. Or maybe just resigned. "You've been the person I've loved the truest and most in my life. Since the day we met." And meeting Judas had not been fun. Not with the state he found him in. "It's always been you."

He held up his hand carefully.

"Please don't-- that doesn't mean it has to be me for you. I had only hoped. And it's all right that it isn't."

"You are." That wasn't even a question for Judas. So that was what started this? He gave a little gesture with two fingers, vague and almost meaningless, but a faint sign of something like nerves. "Dating isn't always the same thing and.. that skin thing... I hate to say it, sounds weird, but maybe you were just horny?" JC, never in a million years, would be the kind to fuck without strings. He seemed more like a 'make love' type of guy... or a complete asexual, which was what Judas always thought of him as.

"We're..." How did he put it? What were the right words? He frowned, thinking on it. "We're something more. Far more. Something that goes... beyond." He was terrible at this sort of thing, all of these emotions. How was he supposed to explain something that he couldn't wrap his hands around?

That explanation, lack of concrete expression and all, scraped at the sadness that had been so very present on the other man's face and JC's smile brightened. He was satisfied with being more than just a date or a boyfriend and he nodded, returning to his meal. Their conversation even returned to normal. Everything really seemed to until a voice latched on to something that Judas had said. Something that had not even been acknowledged. JC paused in the middle of the sidewalk as they left the restaurant and moved away from the Main Street area.

"Can I come back to your place?" It seemed innocent enough. More than it actually was. JC had a strange look on his face. He was rarely unreadable but this look was just so foreign.

When JC just suddenly stopped, Judas, now a few steps ahead, stopped, too, and looked back with confusion. He raised a questioning eyebrow and then- the second eyebrow joined the first at that but Judas shrugged. "Sure." Why not? JC had spent plenty of nights at his place and visa versa, so he didn't even think that much about it. "Can't promise it isn't a mess, though."

Still, what was with that look on JC's face? Judas hesitated in his step, but he trusted his friend more than even himself, so he turned and started in the direction of his place.

It was a studio so small it couldn't even be shared, but it was almost nothing to rent and he was fine with a single room. It was a disaster currently, clothes everywhere but it wasn't the reeking kind of mess that some bachelors ended up with. He looked around, but there wasn't much he could say to it. "Make yourself comfortable?"

That's what happened when you lived in the basement of a very tiny house with three other members of the Twelve. At least Judas was a little better off than Peter smushed in above him. It was certainly not as fancy as the apartment that Simon lived in or as welcoming as the quiet little home JC lived in with his mother, but it was better than the squats that Judas used to sleep in.

Anything was better than those.

JC removed his long black coat and hung it on the back of the door on the hook that Judas seemed to forget actually existed because he never used it. His scarf followed, and he left his big black boots by the door too. As Judas kicked around a path to walk to a bed that JC had been in many times before, the dark haired and dark eyes man began to unbutton his shirt. He didn't have the tattoos that Judas said he wanted. He didn't have track marks or scars.

But he was still lovely beneath the white.

Nothing was as fancy as the apartment Simon lived in, and Judas thought that he had everything he needed here. Why pay for anything more when he wasn't here that much? Needed a place for his stuff, to sleep, and come back and relax at night. That was it. Didn't need a lot of space for that. ~~Judas so would love the 'tiny houses' craze in America.~~

JC was some rare thing to exist, some perfect-skinned angel that felt utterly untouchable until he touched you first. Which he always would. Besides, scars, track marks... he didn't need that on someone. So when Judas made it to the bed and turned to say something and there was JC standing already half-naked, he paused, admired, before he shook his head to clear it. He knew JC. Had known him for years now. JC didn't get those sorts of urges. Even when Judas had, sometimes a bit drunk or less than gently, tried to start something in the past, he'd been turned away, but that had been years ago.

He shrugged out of his coat, throwing it over the back of the nearby chair, then sat down to start on his boots. "I'm a terrible date," his voice was joking, "because I'm going to end up passing out as soon as my back hits this bed." A long day of hard work spoke volumes about how much he wanted to sleep, but he also didn't think much of it.

It Jesus wasn't real until he made the first move, then the moment Judas looked up from unlacing his boots, the man in the bare feet and bare chest with the button to his black jeans open would be a reality. Fingertips traced the jagged edge of face to beard, like he was blessing the demarcation, before he knelt between Judas' feet. Bracing himself with a hand on the other man's thigh, JC made sure that he caught the attention of those pale blue eyes before he smiled.

"Let's figure out a way to keep your back from hitting the bed then," he said, gentle and teasing as if it did not occur to him that he was making a proposition. And even Judas himself might not think he was either until JC gave himself a little boost up with his toes to lightly press his mouth to Judas, perfect smile to crooked teeth.

Judas might have been able to ignore the feel of the healing done to the muscles in his back but how could he ignore the itingle of something so soft?

Things happened in the span of seconds that went from utter confusion to utter shock to utter 'what the hell is going on'. Judas looked up from his boots, ready to toe them off, and got quite an eyefull. JC was a good looking man, almost anyone could admit that, but there was something particularly attractive to see him at that angle, with that not-so-subtly suggestive amount and positioning of clothing. Then to hear him say that?! It was such a foreign thing to hear from JC that it actually took Judas' mind time to realize what was even just said. Did JC even realize what he just said?? That touch wasn't so different than JC had done in the past but combined with everything else--

JC certainly had his full attention when the kiss came. That was most certainly outside of anything JC had done, or more like let him do, in the past that Judas, a thousand times more used to this gesture than JC, actually froze. His body knew what to do, unconsciously bringing a hand up to the back of JC's head and tangling in brown strands, but his mind? That was going a thousand kilometers a second, balking awkwardly, then running again, like a small rodent panicking.

The kiss would only last a few seconds beyond that before Judas brought his head back, eyes wide, looking down at his friend. "...what...?" He didn't even have words, or more like he had a million and none of them could get out. Who was this and what had they done with JC?

What? "Did I do it wrong?" It was an earnest question asked with a worried look. This would be his first kiss and it was entirely possible that he didn't know what he was doing. Watching something didn't give a person the proper understanding of how an act was supposed to happen but it felt so good that he was pretty sure he nailed it the first time.

So that meant that Judas either didn't like it or hadn't been expecting it.

Even if dates usually ended up with a kiss, or more, if one partner went back to the other's place for sleep. JC sat back on his heels, hands flat on his thighs as he regarded Judas with a fragile caution.

If they were more than kissing shouldn't be a problem.

"I can try it again. Or you can show me."

Where did he even start!? It felt like such a loony question in his head to be asking, to be questioning someone why they kissed him. He was a good-looking son of a bitch with a popular group, but this was JC. JC wasn't just anyone. This was someone special and until this moment somehow, he thought, above all this. (Simon thought the same thing, he reminded himself.)

So he held up both hands. Fuck, why was he of all people put in this delicate position? Say the wrong thing and he was going to hurt JC a lot worse than the previous two days, but he wanted to get out of JC whatever the truth was or he was going to forever feel guilty for sullying something so perfect.

"Hold up." Start there. "It was fine - though uh, unexpected." So the latter of JC's two possibilities. "But there's no trying again or showing until you explain what's going on. I'm not about to do anything if this is some... some backlash from the Kickstarter dating, Judas is going to go on a date, jealousy thing. Or you think you need to do this because of what I said. Because it feels like a lot of the latter and maybe some of the former."

He was talking faster than he liked. "You've never done or let me do any of this before. Why now??"

JC looked at Judas as a teacher might to a student having difficulty with the material. He was patient and kind but maybe a little exasperated. "I want to now. The Kickstarter might have edged me on a little but my desire started before it anyone decided to attempt to crowdfund the bus," he pointed out. "We laid in my bed and I felt the need to touch you. I would have continued to keep touching you but you became uncertain. It was awkward for you and so I let it pass."

He hadn't moved from the floor, still looking up at Judas, eyes a little more gentle now.

"I will never be Simon." Because of course he knew. He had always known. "This could never be casual. If I jump in, it's completely. It's head first, and it's forever. But if you don't feel the same for me... Then I would like one small consideration from you. I want to be able to live the remainder of my life without regrets. And I want all of my firsts to be yours."

Judas' jaw figuratively hit the floor at this. What- where- where did he even start with that? His mind was having even trouble processing what he just heard but there was that childish part of him all but shrieking in his head you don't do that to a guy! JC just asked him to take his virginity. It felt somehow wrong to even think that, but that was his own foolishness talking. This was still a guy and every guy wanted that at some point as far as he knew, why should it be any different for JC?

Fuck him. Judas slowly slid a hand back through his dreads, gripping at them as he tried to figure out what to say. His eyes cast around his apartment and there was the slightest wince, knowing JC deserved better. "...one... step at a time," he finally said, knowing he needed to say something but failing to find the right words. Forever. Shit.

So he took a breath and tried to be... well not professional about it but more serious. Focused? Focused. "What are you looking for me, JC? Seriously. To get laid? A boyfriend? Something for the rest of our lives sort of thing? ...I'm not going to- go all the way with you tonight-" oh good now he sounded like a high schooler, "-I need better stuff to work with than this to not feel like a total scum bag about it. ...but... there's... other stuff." Oh he sounded even better.

It felt weird to sudden talk about blowjobs and fucking to JC.

"Can we just kiss awhile tonight?" JC asked, eyes bright and hopefully calming. He didn't need poor Judas to have a fit here because he was out of condoms or whatever else he thought he needed for the evening. JC didn't need to rush right towards anything, even if his skin felt like it was itching from the inside out. He had no concept at all of what genuine, physical desire was like.

No matter what Judas said at the moment, JC would again invade his space. His hands slipped up taut thigh muscles and his lips connected again with the ginger's as he exhaled slightly against his cheek before their lips touched.

It felt a little like praying. Maybe that was a little irreligious to say, but JC had prayed enough to know what it felt like when God let his voices whisper in his ears. And this was a lot like that.

The whole thing felt like it was overwhelming, like having drank half a bottle of something strong and he was floating, unable to quite find down. It felt like a drug. Didn't everything have to be perfect for JC's first time? There was something so damn innocent and pure about him that it felt like it had to be done right, not something sloppy and stupid and you end up regretting it later if you're not lucky. Making out... it was like being a kid again and not on the streets yet, when the biggest worry was stupid kid crushes and thinking you got so far because you got to slide your hand up Veronica's thigh when you kissed last night.

He forced himself to focus on what was happening now, determined to make this something good for JC. So broad hands came up, cupping either side of JC's face, tilting his head slightly to make things easier and making their kiss something more than JC's uneducated attempt. To pull back, ever so slightly, and return again, more tender than he could ever remember being with anyone in his life, almost like unconsciously he was dealing with an easily-spooked animal or something fragile that could break.

Though JC wasn't fragile, he thoroughly enjoyed such a gentle handling, collapsing onto Judas as he took every little lesson and built upon it. JC thoroughly enjoyed himself, fingers stroking down Judas' long neck and nails lightly scratching his scalp between the dreads. They kissed until his lips ached and JC found himself grinning happily down at Judas, shirt still open and one shoulder bare from the wriggling. He propped his cheek up on one palm, his smile turning more thoughtful as he contemplated what they had just done.

"Thank you," he cooed, half breathless, lips a deep coral red. "I feel... I feel like I might just burst. Is it always like this?"

JC didn't think so. And that was a shame. Human beings should spend more time just kissing each other.

It did feel like high school again. Messily rolling about on the sheets like this, learning something all over again, and it felt strange to have it again but not in a bad way. Something that he was still scratching the surface of and trying to understand, this new part of JC that was surfacing. It seemed that ever since the moment of the idea of the bus that things had been changing rapidly.

"It can be?" Judas wasn't sure 'burst' was the verb he would have used here, though definitely in other times, but maybe JC was just more inexperienced...? He let his fingers trickle over skin, taking his time and enjoying the feeling of it, wondering how he could make this better for the future. He needed some half decent condoms and lube for sure...

But some of what JC had said was almost frightening to someone like Judas who had always been so independent. 'Forever'. It occurred to him that JC sounded like a girl when he spoke but there was so much more to his words. There always was.

"Long as it feels good, that's what counts."

JC was a good Jewish boy working in the contexts of his faith and in the way of the world. He wasn't like Judas. He couldn't just sleep around-- He didn't want to. So when he decided to do this, to really do it, he wanted it to be with someone that wouldn't leave him. And Judas, he was certain, was that person for him. They were already inseparable. JC had no reason to think that it wouldn't stay that way.

He was big on eye contact at the moment and with his arm over Judas, head on his pillow, he gazed at the redhead as if he was the only person alive right now. It wasn't the first time he'd done that of course, he was good at focusing his whole being on one thing sometimes but there was a heated difference here. Lust, desire, and simple human need had brought JC down from his lofty pedestal and coloured the way he saw Judas now.

"It does feel good. I hadn't thought it was possible to have a connection this strong."