forallyoucare | (no subject)

He offered the joint back, but he did give Simon a questioning look. "You know what I mean - it'd be out of left field. Besides, Peter's gonna end up with someone one of these days. Probably some pretty girl who he can go have some pretty kids with or some twink like himself. Not sure which way he flies." He took a moment to rub his eyes, then shrugged.

"I have no idea what's gotten into him. He's still throwing a pissy fit about the whole thing if he's not out there, but I'll go find him eventually." He tapped his notebook in his lap. "Almost done with the budget, but... this Kickstarter shit's been interesting to figure out just what we can do with the bus and what's going where, you know?"

A lick of his lips, tasting smoke on them. "Going to find out what is going on in that brain of his and I'll get back to you on the rest. I'm not going to let this break things up."

"Good. Because nothing ruins friendship like fucking can. And I don't want to see either of you hurt," Simon said before Judas left the bus. He pulled himself out of the bunk and went to watch Peter from the window. Some pretty or a twink-- Simon was neither. But Judas was right. Pete deserved something good in life. He was too much of a fuck up to even try.

JC was not having a good day to say the least. The voice was being completely unreasonable, following him home to torment him the entire way with doubt and despair. He had crawled under his covers and hidden there like a child until Judas came by. Mary greeted her son's best friend with worry in her eyes. "He hasn't behaved this way since he was younger," she confided in Judas. "I hope you two haven't been fighting."

Like any good Jewish boy, JC was praying away his troubles when Mary told Judas where he was hiding and asked him to help her son out of his slump.

Kneeling at his bed, he was murmuring something or other, hands folded, when Judas came to the door. "Please... I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to make this work. I just don't know how..."

It wasn't fair for everyone else to decide what Peter deserved or not. He knew what he wanted, but didn't have the courage to go for. Simon definitely seemed to have any type but him, and why not? Peter closed the laptop and went back to work, squinting up against the sun. Doing all this work in the brutal heat was rough and even through sunscreen the pale Peter was starting to get a burn.

That's because you don't see him as much anymore, Judas thought when Mary mentioned about how JC was acting, not unkindly but truthfully. He'd seen JC act like this plenty of times. Throw a hissy fit, go to sulk for a while, come back when he was ready or more so when Judas apologized. He gave Mary a small smile, the kind that said he'd handle it, before he went to JC's door and knocked. Hopefully JC wasn't still in the angry phase and would yell where his mother could hear it.

The angry phase was always better than the sad phase, though JC had the worst habit of looking entirely too lovely when he was upset. The voice had stopped tormenting him the moment that the knock came and tears of exquisite relief slid down his cheeks as he stood up and pulled on the handle of the door.

His body sagged just a little as he gazed up at Judas, eyebrow knitting together. "I'm sorry." He never minded apologising when he had been at least partially in the wrong. Fighting with Judas wasn't fun in the slightest. He let his head now, hands clasping each other against his chest. "You were right. I was acting with jealousy. I-- I will do better." He knew his win, however small, needed to be attoned for. It would take more than forgiveness to wash him clean.

And this was the worst part. That kicked puppy expression, even when JC was wrong (and in his opinion, this time, JC was wrong), always made him feel miserable. Judas sighed, shoving a few dreads back behind his ear which promptly fell forward again, and waved a hand. "You were, and we're going to talk about it, okay?" Fuck did he hate talking about stuff like this, though.

He gestured for JC to go back into his room so they could shut the door and have a little privacy, shutting the door behind him and leaning with his back against it, arms crossed. "If you want forgiveness about this, I wanna know what's going on. You come out of no where with this sudden jealousy, something we've never spoken about before, acting like you own me. Why? Where's this coming from?" He tried, thinking about Simon's words, to keep his voice gentle. Not accusing just damn it JC, talk to him.

Touch him. Be near him. Buy the date. Don't let him leave you. You need him. He's the most important part of all of this. Don't let him go.

Those were not his words and not his thoughts, they were memories of whispers. They were catastrophes bundling up inside of his chest, just waiting to happen.

JC sat back against the wall on his bed in bare feet, one arm draped Mosely over a bent knee. He watched Judas for his body language. He watched him try to get the words out right. He watched his hair, frizzy and red and perfect, catch the sunlight from the window to his left. JC didn't shy away from answers, though.

He had so many to give.

"I've never claimed to own you. I am just afraid to lose you. You, more than anyone else-- I'm going to need you close to me, Judas. The path ahead is going to be hard. No one will understand. I'm afraid it might even get out of hand and you're so real-- I afraid that if you had distractions, you'd leave me. I'm still afraid that you'll leave me. I love you more than I love any one else. And I need you more than breathing right now. I should have just explained than become angry when you pushed me away."

"JC." Firm, making sure he had the other's full attention. "I'm not. going. anywhere." He made sure to annuciate every word pointedly, his tone serious. "Even if tomorrow I found the perfect person to be with - by the way that would mean someone who was just fine with me being a part of this, with you - I wouldn't go anywhere. You can't lose me; it's that simple."

He dug his fingers into his own messy hair. "I'm not sure how to get that through to you better. You saved my life, and you're my best friend." There was a bark of a laugh, shaking his head. "Probably the closest I'd admit to that whole soul mate thing, you know? You've got nothing to be jealous of, if that's what you're worried about. I might get distracted, whatever, but that doesn't mean I'm going anywhere."

His brows pinched and he held up a finger, frowning. "And I didn't even push you away! I didn't even know what to do when you started all that stuff this morning! Then you go and tell me you don't want me with anyone else, sounding completely pissed off about it? Yeah, I got pissed, too."

Soulmate. The voice immediately latched onto that concept and drove it through his mind to a piercing light behind his eyes. JC winced outwardly and put the heel of his hand to his eyebrow. "What if-- What if I'm the perfect person...? To be with I mean? What if I felt that way about you?"

Because keeping Judas meant being more human. More physical and affectionate...

He sighed.

"I'll admit that I have no idea just what I'm doing anymore. Or what I'm feeling."

The wince wasn't missed but it was misinterpreted, making Judas frown. "I don't know," he said honestly. In the end, he was human with all of their mistakes and foils and issues and pride and insecurity and while he believed JC wasn't above him like the others might, he definitely knew he was pretty low on the scale of humanity thanks to his past. He tried to make up for it though. "It's not just about feeling-"

Fuck. It felt like having the sex talk with a kid or something. "I miss the physical, too. And just... going and smoking a joint or getting wasted or going out to a club and losing myself for a few hours." Something he rarely did, given it was a waste of money, but the others could talk him into it. All stuff he'd never seen JC do. "I like the man you are, and I don't want to see that fucked up because of me, either. Doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, though. Unless you tell me to fuck off forever, I'm still yours."

It felt like one of the tv shows where the girl tells the guy that they're better off as friends and it stung to JC. The voice didn't need to tell him it did, it just did. He looked away from Judas and nodded. "Point taken. It's probably better to just... Let me apologise again... Forget about it."

The pounding in his head returned and he pressed his fingers into his scalp as if external pressure could soothe it. It didn't.

"I want you to be happy. And this... Is all right. Will be all right. As long as you're with me. So-- I uh... I've drawn up some plans.... Could you take them over to the garage for me?" He wasn't kicking Judas out so much as needing time.

"..." Judas sighed, looking away, seeing that familiar grip in JC's hair. "You realize... that relationships... aren't end-all-be-all?" No, probably not, but he had to teach his friend some things. "There's that whole... give and take thing. It's not that I give a shit if you don't do that, it's that you can't act like a jealous dick if I want to go do those things. You know, like the mere idea got you to act this morning. What would you want, if we... were together, anyway?" He raised an eyebrow, trying to get more info out of his friend.

"...If you still want me to take the plans over, I will, but I want you to think about all this, okay? Think about it, then talk to me seriously instead of just getting all-- like this."

Jesus returned to the garage with dinner for everyone, balancing stacks of pizza as if it was nothing at all. They were soaked through with grease, but his shirts and sleeves were pristine. There was a cry of pleasure from those gathered, about half of the Twelve and two lookers on. JC gave a standard Jewish blessing before they all dug in and then dropped into the seat beside Judas, an anorak chair with one of the slats missing on the back.

"Hey," he said, smiling at his best friend. The voice had been insistent about what he was supposed to do to keep Judas, but JC had done something he normally didn't, and instead of praying, he spoke directly to the voice.

It had even answered back.

There was an understanding reached and the voice had stopped trying to make his brain explode. He felt so much better right now and was more relaxed as he looked over at Judas.

"Tomorrow I would like to take you out to dinner. Me and you. Not too fancy, promise."

Damn it how was JC managing to surprise him over and over in the last few days? Judas blinked once before he let out a breath and gestured a bit with his pizza. "Sure?" Why was this suddenly happening? "Sounds good." A little more certain, but alright, if JC wanted to -- what? Was this an apology, a wooing? Out of the corner of his eye he caught Peter elbowing Simon slightly and leaning in to whisper to the other. Oh, he was going to get them back for gossiping.

"Should I dress up?" he could have laughed on the end of his own words because he never dressed up for anything. Not that he couldn't but... he hated it. He cleaned up fairly well but that clothing made him feel like a massive tool.

Peter was likely just relieved, happy Mom and Dad weren't fighting any more. JC didn't pay them any attention. His attention was on Judas as their friends had their pizza and more of Thad's beer. They were happy. JC seemed happy. Now they just had to work on the perpetual, personified scowl that was Judas' face.

"We're not fancy people," he pointed out, leaning on the side arm of the chair. His chin rested on his palm. "Mum told me about this place dad used to take her. It's Indian. You like curry, right?" Judas might want to pull his hair up some so he didn't dip his dreads in his curry and maybe trim up the beard but JC wasn't going out of his way to make him uncomfortable.

He lightly patted the arm of the chair before he pulled himself out of the chair and headed for the bus to take a look at what Andrew had done mocking up the drawings so they could order materials. Simon wasted no time filling JC's spot.

"Kiss and make up?"

"I'll spruce myself up a bit," Judas said with a bit of dryness, "but yeah, love curry." Would the others get upset that JC had invited him to dinner alone tomorrow? He cast a glance around the circle but almost no one seemed to even be paying attention.

Peter was unbelievably relieved. He was grinning brightly now as he ate, that unhappy pit in his stomach all better and leaving him all but boucing. He watched Simon walk over to talk to Judas and bit the inside of his lip. Was Simon after Judas? No, no. He shook his head. That was stupid.

Judas, however, snorted at Simon when the other spoke up. "Guess so." He eyed the blond briefly, then past him, raised an eyebrow at the expression Peter was blankly giving at Simon, but decided to say nothing. Huh. Interesting. "It's not like we ever fight for long."

"No, but sometimes it gets a little scary," Simon grinned, as if he didn't spend a lot of his time being violent or insinuating that he could be violent for pleasure's sake. "No one likes it when you two fight. Especially after all of this talk about the road trip tour. Seriously, Jude, this is happening. We made twice what we asked for in two days. And the donations are still coming in. We're going to have fuel and even enough to donate along the way back to charities."

Right up Judas' alley, right? The man was like...hot for charity. And maybe Simon was trying to stoke that up a bit. Just a little bit. He'd gotten it into his head that he and Judas could have a little fun again since it had been a long time for them, and while the ginger wasn't too into the hardcore stuff, his skin was incredibly soft for a man and Simon wanted to enjoy it.

"So what are you doing tonight?"

"It's ridiculous, isn't it? That's what I've been spending most of the day working through. What to donate on, what we need for ourselves, the bus... we're going to be able to spread so much so much further." Oh definitely what lit Judas' fire. Simon had his own hard on for fighting The Man, Judas had his for making sure the most needy of all had the basics in life.

"Tonight?" he scratched his chin, thinking about it. "Nothing in particular. Why?" He raised an eyebrow at the other, questioning him. Did Simon have plans? Maybe it wouldn't be a bad night to go out and enjoy himself. A little.

"Club?" He waggled his eyebrows at Judas suggestively. "I haven't been back to the old stomping grounds in Galilee in forever and I know you could use a night out. Your whole body is practically screaming for it," he teased.

It was just after six now. The sun would be down in an hour, but clubs weren't for the early birds.

"Say around eleven? I'll come get you on my bike. I'll bring an extra helmet." Of course, he didn't realize what that might do to Peter who would absolutely see him swinging by for Judas.

Damn, right on the money. Since he had a date, suddenly, out of no where, for tomorrow night, he was free tonight to get away from things for a night and enjoy himself. "Fuck, do I look that desperate?" He shook his head, mostly at himself. "Sure. Eleven. I'll be ready." He'd have to see what he even had that could work for a club, but black, skin tight, and the guyliner he already wore would probably be enough.

"I'll even try to look good for you." His smirk and tone suggested he knew damn well he always looked good.

"God, I hope so. I'm on the pull tonight," Simon laughed, hand on Judas' knee before he got up. Evidently, he was on the pull for something very particular indeed. Someone with dreads and bright, pale eyes and who was maybe a little on the Grungy, post modern rock side.

He gave Judas a wink as he left, snagging another pizza box back on the way to Peter. He thought about asking him out a few times, just as friends to the club, but ha!

Impossible. Peter would turn him down. Or worse. Go with. He couldn't babysit his pretty rear and get himself laid at the same time!

"Petey. Pizza up. You're too thin."

Judas raised a single brow up at that surprisingly direct suggestion. Huh. If Simon wanted him, why not just ask if they wanted to fuck later? That'd been a while, though now that he thought about it, they hadn't quite gotten that far with things together. Well, it'd be a fun night, one way or the other.

Peter, who saw that touch, felt his throat close up. Simon couldn't- he barely heard his friend when Simon returned, and instead, just got up and walked away, knowing he would say something so stupid if he stayed. If he just had the courage to say something- then what? What would be the point? Simon would turn him down flat. He laughed at himself, an unhappy sort of laugh. Why was he torturing himself with this?

"What? Pete, do I smell? Listen, you look fine--". Okay. What had he done? Simon watched him for for a moment, mulled over it and ate his pizza. Most of the other guys were on Amazon looking at what they could order for the bus, paints for airbrushing and little details that would make the rolling home a little more homey.

He spotted Peter a little while later, leaving the yard in front of the garage, and he cut off what he was saying to Bart to fall into step with his little Scottish friend.

"Want a ride home?" He asked with a sort of side-eye, not really able to read Peter well at all. He looked sad, though. Of all people on this Earth, Peter should be the last person to look sad. Ever.

Bart blinked, then shrugged when he spotted Peter. Those two had their own thing.

Peter, one hand around the backpack strap ready to hoof it home, looked to Simon at the sudden offer. He looked off to the side, wanting to say yes so badly (he could curl his arms around Simon and just hold tight for a few minutes) but it didn't help how he was immediately feeling. Still, if he didn't take it, Simon would know that he was a lot more upset than he wanted right now!

"Uh, sure," he said after a moment or two, even though the light wasn't quite back to his eyes despite the small smile. "Thanks, Simon."

Peter wasn't allowed to look like that. He just wassn't. The kid was too sweet and Simon felt like it was his duty to preserve that. He planted his helmet on the kid's head and climbed over to his motorcycle, settling in to wait for Peter to join him. "You hold on tight. JC will never forgive me if you fall off somewhere and get lost," Simon said.

He ended up not going to the house Peter shared with Judas, John and James, but instead to the Starbucks on the corner. It was a little too high profile for him, a little too conformist, but he really liked their frappacinos and McDonald's attempt to craft them was poor and technically, just as corporate. He turned to look over his leather clad shoulder at the youngest of the Twelve.

"Can I get you a coffee, Pete? You need some sugar. Your spirits are bringing us all down."

It was so easy to put his forehead against the warmth of Simon's leather jacket, his eyes closed as he held on tight. Simon felt strong and whippet under his arms and he breathed in that scent of hair gel and leather that even on the cycle he could smell this very close. So when he felt the cycle stop, he lifted his head and looked confused when this definitely wasn't the house.

He peered at Simon, blinking, then chewed his lip before shrugging. "Sure." This was... not what he was expecting. He loved spending time with Simon, and alone for once!, but this felt like salt on his little self-made wounds. But he could manage, right?

He climbed off, giving the cycle a pat.