forallyoucare | (no subject)

Simon laughed, both at Peter's face and the shine to his eyes. He wasn't an idiot. He knew Peter watched him from time to time, but he was just a kid. He didn't know what he wanted. He was fresh from school, a gap year to travel the world and experience it.

Simon wasn't going to corrupt someone so pure. He had his standards.

"What about you, Petey? Sharing the wealth? Or are you just gonna charm em with your accent and huge eyes for bigger donations?"

It really was a miracle, though. They had been fully funding in less than a day.

As far as Peter was concerned, Simon was incredible. A strong body and soul and attitude in a small package, more knowledgable about the world and three times the strength. He didn't want to be seen as pure, that felt incredibly stupid and embarrassing to what ego he had, even if it was kind of true. Sure, he hadn't gotten much further than second base with someone, but it didn't matter. Okay, so maybe he had more than a bit of a crush on Simon who was so very out of his league.

Aaaaand that blush deepened as Peter shook his head several times. "N-No. I- I mean, maybe? I don't know!" Simon was so damn sure about everything while Peter was only certain about three things - one, that he was glad he had decided to travel the world, two, Simon was incredible, and three, as incredible as Simon was, JC was even more so and worthy of following til the ends of the Earth because he wanted to do something right. Anything else... Peter had no solid idea on. Maybe it was why he saw Simon as strong.

"If I had a hundred bucks, I'd take your last slot," Simon grinned and leaned forward to muss up his hair. He had no idea that he was leaving poor Peter with some heart ache and food for thought as Simon jumped up the stairs into the bus where Matt was wildly swinging the sledge hammer. "Woah! Yo Matty! Not everything needs to go man!"

He patted his shoulder and grabbed the tool from him before shooing him out. Maybe he just wanted a place to smoke where it was quiet. Maybe he wanted to head back to the bunks where Judas Iscariot was hiding.

Simon lit up and sauntered over to one of the curtained cubbies and lightly knocked on the frame. "Hey. Shove over. I got a joint and a handjob if you want some fun or an ear if you wanna listen?"

Simon certainly left Peter sitting there with so much more to think about, staring blankly at the computer screen without really seeing it before groaning and dropping his head into his hands. Why did he have to have a crush on someone so out of his league? Why? "What am I supposed to do?"

The scent of that joint beat Simon in and Judas just grunted, shifting over but his mood was shit. He was miserable and sitting with his phone in hand, ear buds in, listening to a report on a back ass website about the kickstarter with his familiar notebook in his lap. "The joint, yes," he called over, popping out one ear bud. He stretched out a leg, looking like he hadn't really slept with the bags growing under his eyes not helped by smudged makeup.

"You're surprisingly cheerful today," he remarked with a hint of sarcasm, given that Simon ranged from decent to an asshole on most days.

"And you're surprisingly... Did you use today?" He had to ask. There wasn't anyone else here who understood that about Judas or how badly it could be for him to relapse. JC was forgiving and the other guys would absolutely be there for him, but only Simon understood what addiction was like. "Or are you mad that JC got a pledge and you haven't yet?"

So much for being cheerful huh, Judas? Simon didn't like being liked. He wanted to ruffle feathers. He wanted to make his mark even if that was all done up in scars.

It was his nature.

"I'm hoping for the second because I am not holding your hair back as you puke again."

"No." That earned Simon a hard look briefly but he sighed a moment later. "No." That was never going to happen again, never. He'd given up the hard stuff when JC had come into his life. Still, he let out a slow breath and admitted, "this is one of those times I almost miss it." There was no one outside of Simon he would have admitted that to.

That joint, on the other hand, was free game. He put up his hand and cocked a finger. "That? Give it here." Damn if he didn't need it badly. "What's going on out there?"

"Doesn't matter what's going on out that. We're in here," Simon pointed out, draping one leg over Judas'. He was trying his best not let Judas leave right now when someone had to talk to him. Ginger dreds over here was a silly thing with communication issues. "Peter is lamenting on if he should put out for his dates, Matt is trying to kill us all with a sledgehammer. JC isn't here."

He took the joint back and sucked in a cloud of fragrant smoke.

"What's wrong with you two? Stop fighting. You're freaking us out, man." He scooted forward to drape his other leg over Judas too. His smirk was telling. "Pony up, Judy." He'd dig his heel against Judas' thigh until he spoke. That was the alternative.

Judas snorted at the comment about Peter, muttering about how there was no way that pristine kid was going to put out on his dates, when that boot started digging into his heel. His eyes flashed and he grabbed Simon's ankle, pulling up on it and digging his thumbnail hard into the other's ankle. "Damn it, you're an asshole," he muttered before he shook his head. "What do you want me to say? He got pissy because he evidently wanted something more out of me - something he'd never said a damn thing about until this morning - and I was surprised, so he took that like I was rejecting him. It's so damn stupid. He's being a blind bastard about the whole thing." He rolled his eyes.

Simon pulled his hand back through his hair, the spray already coming loose from an afternoon of work. It was a good thing he kept a can in his bag. He was going to need a touch up. "You know he's like... Seriously, he's the most asexual person in the entire world. Are you sure he--" Simon was just flabbergasted. "-- What did he say to you? I mean, you've been totally into him for awhile now but he's-- Judas, he's kinda... We all love him. And he loves all of us. But. Platonically."

Simon handed back his joint to Judas and patted him on the knee before he slipped out of the bunk.

"Just don't be pissed off man. And if he is into you? Shit. You're an idiot for making him want to change his mind. Have you seen his abs? Dude."

Fuck he needed this joint just to listen to Simon right now. He held his breath, listening to that babbling, rolling his eyes near the end of it. Nothing was said until he let the smoke leak out around his lips, giving Simon a hard look. "He came right out and said he didn't want me with anyone else. Hard to take that any other way, given that he hasn't said that to any of you." He gestured meaningfully towards Simon.

"Of course I love him, but what the fuck do you want me to do? I'm not about to be as asexual as him for the rest of my life. I'm not trying to change his mind about anything because fuck he only just told me his mind this morning and got angry about it in the process!" Why was Simon giving him such shit for this!? "It's not his right to tell me I can't be with anyone else, either. It's as if tomorrow Thad suddenly told Peter that he was his. None of us would be expecting that shit, either, right?"

"Uh. Well. Thad is straight. And Peter with anyone is just weird," Simon wanted to point out. He enjoyed his little fantasies about Peter but he'd never go there. His hands were dirty. Pete was too pure to mess up with that.

He'd been planning on leaving Judas to his thoughts at the moment but this was sort of a big deal. He sat at the bunk across from Judas and leaned forward, elbows to his knees.

"He told you he doesn't want you to be with anyone else? Seriously? Wow. What's gotten into him? I don't think he's ever even touched anyone that wasn't hand holding, yanno? What are you gonna do? Ignore it? Or like... Go for it? Shit. What if it doesn't work out? What will we do without you guys?"

He offered the joint back, but he did give Simon a questioning look. "You know what I mean - it'd be out of left field. Besides, Peter's gonna end up with someone one of these days. Probably some pretty girl who he can go have some pretty kids with or some twink like himself. Not sure which way he flies." He took a moment to rub his eyes, then shrugged.

"I have no idea what's gotten into him. He's still throwing a pissy fit about the whole thing if he's not out there, but I'll go find him eventually." He tapped his notebook in his lap. "Almost done with the budget, but... this Kickstarter shit's been interesting to figure out just what we can do with the bus and what's going where, you know?"

A lick of his lips, tasting smoke on them. "Going to find out what is going on in that brain of his and I'll get back to you on the rest. I'm not going to let this break things up."

"Good. Because nothing ruins friendship like fucking can. And I don't want to see either of you hurt," Simon said before Judas left the bus. He pulled himself out of the bunk and went to watch Peter from the window. Some pretty or a twink-- Simon was neither. But Judas was right. Pete deserved something good in life. He was too much of a fuck up to even try.

JC was not having a good day to say the least. The voice was being completely unreasonable, following him home to torment him the entire way with doubt and despair. He had crawled under his covers and hidden there like a child until Judas came by. Mary greeted her son's best friend with worry in her eyes. "He hasn't behaved this way since he was younger," she confided in Judas. "I hope you two haven't been fighting."

Like any good Jewish boy, JC was praying away his troubles when Mary told Judas where he was hiding and asked him to help her son out of his slump.

Kneeling at his bed, he was murmuring something or other, hands folded, when Judas came to the door. "Please... I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to make this work. I just don't know how..."

It wasn't fair for everyone else to decide what Peter deserved or not. He knew what he wanted, but didn't have the courage to go for. Simon definitely seemed to have any type but him, and why not? Peter closed the laptop and went back to work, squinting up against the sun. Doing all this work in the brutal heat was rough and even through sunscreen the pale Peter was starting to get a burn.

That's because you don't see him as much anymore, Judas thought when Mary mentioned about how JC was acting, not unkindly but truthfully. He'd seen JC act like this plenty of times. Throw a hissy fit, go to sulk for a while, come back when he was ready or more so when Judas apologized. He gave Mary a small smile, the kind that said he'd handle it, before he went to JC's door and knocked. Hopefully JC wasn't still in the angry phase and would yell where his mother could hear it.

The angry phase was always better than the sad phase, though JC had the worst habit of looking entirely too lovely when he was upset. The voice had stopped tormenting him the moment that the knock came and tears of exquisite relief slid down his cheeks as he stood up and pulled on the handle of the door.

His body sagged just a little as he gazed up at Judas, eyebrow knitting together. "I'm sorry." He never minded apologising when he had been at least partially in the wrong. Fighting with Judas wasn't fun in the slightest. He let his head now, hands clasping each other against his chest. "You were right. I was acting with jealousy. I-- I will do better." He knew his win, however small, needed to be attoned for. It would take more than forgiveness to wash him clean.

And this was the worst part. That kicked puppy expression, even when JC was wrong (and in his opinion, this time, JC was wrong), always made him feel miserable. Judas sighed, shoving a few dreads back behind his ear which promptly fell forward again, and waved a hand. "You were, and we're going to talk about it, okay?" Fuck did he hate talking about stuff like this, though.

He gestured for JC to go back into his room so they could shut the door and have a little privacy, shutting the door behind him and leaning with his back against it, arms crossed. "If you want forgiveness about this, I wanna know what's going on. You come out of no where with this sudden jealousy, something we've never spoken about before, acting like you own me. Why? Where's this coming from?" He tried, thinking about Simon's words, to keep his voice gentle. Not accusing just damn it JC, talk to him.

Touch him. Be near him. Buy the date. Don't let him leave you. You need him. He's the most important part of all of this. Don't let him go.

Those were not his words and not his thoughts, they were memories of whispers. They were catastrophes bundling up inside of his chest, just waiting to happen.

JC sat back against the wall on his bed in bare feet, one arm draped Mosely over a bent knee. He watched Judas for his body language. He watched him try to get the words out right. He watched his hair, frizzy and red and perfect, catch the sunlight from the window to his left. JC didn't shy away from answers, though.

He had so many to give.

"I've never claimed to own you. I am just afraid to lose you. You, more than anyone else-- I'm going to need you close to me, Judas. The path ahead is going to be hard. No one will understand. I'm afraid it might even get out of hand and you're so real-- I afraid that if you had distractions, you'd leave me. I'm still afraid that you'll leave me. I love you more than I love any one else. And I need you more than breathing right now. I should have just explained than become angry when you pushed me away."

"JC." Firm, making sure he had the other's full attention. "I'm not. going. anywhere." He made sure to annuciate every word pointedly, his tone serious. "Even if tomorrow I found the perfect person to be with - by the way that would mean someone who was just fine with me being a part of this, with you - I wouldn't go anywhere. You can't lose me; it's that simple."

He dug his fingers into his own messy hair. "I'm not sure how to get that through to you better. You saved my life, and you're my best friend." There was a bark of a laugh, shaking his head. "Probably the closest I'd admit to that whole soul mate thing, you know? You've got nothing to be jealous of, if that's what you're worried about. I might get distracted, whatever, but that doesn't mean I'm going anywhere."

His brows pinched and he held up a finger, frowning. "And I didn't even push you away! I didn't even know what to do when you started all that stuff this morning! Then you go and tell me you don't want me with anyone else, sounding completely pissed off about it? Yeah, I got pissed, too."

Soulmate. The voice immediately latched onto that concept and drove it through his mind to a piercing light behind his eyes. JC winced outwardly and put the heel of his hand to his eyebrow. "What if-- What if I'm the perfect person...? To be with I mean? What if I felt that way about you?"

Because keeping Judas meant being more human. More physical and affectionate...

He sighed.

"I'll admit that I have no idea just what I'm doing anymore. Or what I'm feeling."

The wince wasn't missed but it was misinterpreted, making Judas frown. "I don't know," he said honestly. In the end, he was human with all of their mistakes and foils and issues and pride and insecurity and while he believed JC wasn't above him like the others might, he definitely knew he was pretty low on the scale of humanity thanks to his past. He tried to make up for it though. "It's not just about feeling-"

Fuck. It felt like having the sex talk with a kid or something. "I miss the physical, too. And just... going and smoking a joint or getting wasted or going out to a club and losing myself for a few hours." Something he rarely did, given it was a waste of money, but the others could talk him into it. All stuff he'd never seen JC do. "I like the man you are, and I don't want to see that fucked up because of me, either. Doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, though. Unless you tell me to fuck off forever, I'm still yours."

It felt like one of the tv shows where the girl tells the guy that they're better off as friends and it stung to JC. The voice didn't need to tell him it did, it just did. He looked away from Judas and nodded. "Point taken. It's probably better to just... Let me apologise again... Forget about it."

The pounding in his head returned and he pressed his fingers into his scalp as if external pressure could soothe it. It didn't.

"I want you to be happy. And this... Is all right. Will be all right. As long as you're with me. So-- I uh... I've drawn up some plans.... Could you take them over to the garage for me?" He wasn't kicking Judas out so much as needing time.

"..." Judas sighed, looking away, seeing that familiar grip in JC's hair. "You realize... that relationships... aren't end-all-be-all?" No, probably not, but he had to teach his friend some things. "There's that whole... give and take thing. It's not that I give a shit if you don't do that, it's that you can't act like a jealous dick if I want to go do those things. You know, like the mere idea got you to act this morning. What would you want, if we... were together, anyway?" He raised an eyebrow, trying to get more info out of his friend.

"...If you still want me to take the plans over, I will, but I want you to think about all this, okay? Think about it, then talk to me seriously instead of just getting all-- like this."

Jesus returned to the garage with dinner for everyone, balancing stacks of pizza as if it was nothing at all. They were soaked through with grease, but his shirts and sleeves were pristine. There was a cry of pleasure from those gathered, about half of the Twelve and two lookers on. JC gave a standard Jewish blessing before they all dug in and then dropped into the seat beside Judas, an anorak chair with one of the slats missing on the back.

"Hey," he said, smiling at his best friend. The voice had been insistent about what he was supposed to do to keep Judas, but JC had done something he normally didn't, and instead of praying, he spoke directly to the voice.

It had even answered back.

There was an understanding reached and the voice had stopped trying to make his brain explode. He felt so much better right now and was more relaxed as he looked over at Judas.

"Tomorrow I would like to take you out to dinner. Me and you. Not too fancy, promise."

Damn it how was JC managing to surprise him over and over in the last few days? Judas blinked once before he let out a breath and gestured a bit with his pizza. "Sure?" Why was this suddenly happening? "Sounds good." A little more certain, but alright, if JC wanted to -- what? Was this an apology, a wooing? Out of the corner of his eye he caught Peter elbowing Simon slightly and leaning in to whisper to the other. Oh, he was going to get them back for gossiping.

"Should I dress up?" he could have laughed on the end of his own words because he never dressed up for anything. Not that he couldn't but... he hated it. He cleaned up fairly well but that clothing made him feel like a massive tool.

Peter was likely just relieved, happy Mom and Dad weren't fighting any more. JC didn't pay them any attention. His attention was on Judas as their friends had their pizza and more of Thad's beer. They were happy. JC seemed happy. Now they just had to work on the perpetual, personified scowl that was Judas' face.

"We're not fancy people," he pointed out, leaning on the side arm of the chair. His chin rested on his palm. "Mum told me about this place dad used to take her. It's Indian. You like curry, right?" Judas might want to pull his hair up some so he didn't dip his dreads in his curry and maybe trim up the beard but JC wasn't going out of his way to make him uncomfortable.

He lightly patted the arm of the chair before he pulled himself out of the chair and headed for the bus to take a look at what Andrew had done mocking up the drawings so they could order materials. Simon wasted no time filling JC's spot.

"Kiss and make up?"